Its the ones you love that always hurt you

I had intended to do an entirely different post tonight and I will eventually get to it but right now there is something more pressing on my mind. My best friend, the one deserting me and moving across counry has completely broken my heart. He chose his friend with "benifits" over  me. I am by admission quite possessive but this is so much different. I am so stressed that I used my blades tonight. I didn't actually cut. I just scratched but I can tell I am not going to be able to hold out much longer before I go all the way. I am so sad and hurt. I will never be loved enough by anyone to come first. I really wanna do some real cutting tonight. He don't even care I dont think how much hes hurt me by choosing her over me.

Feeling

I have spent so many years blocking out my emotions. I don't remember the last time I couldn't stop my self from feeling and crying until lately when it seems I am in tears so often. My heart is broken. I am having nightmares again. At times it seems that the PTSD no longer exsists, then it comes and slaps me in the face again. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the fear and watching over my shoulder. I think he is looking for me again. I can feel him there, feel him invading me again. And once again, I have to face it alone
I want someone to love me and be with me and care for me. No matter what I am like. I need that person to be there  for me. I don't want them to force me to have sex. I want to want them. Not just offer it because I don't want them pushing me into it. I want so many things that i cant have. I hate having real emotions. I just want to be manic again. Crazy manic. Caring about no one or no things feelngs. doing what I want when I want without worrying over consequences. Can anyone relate?

When someone special leaves yoou behind

I recently learned that my best friend is taking off across the country. And he's not just going for a visit. I am feeling so abandoned. He says he is not abandoning me but to me that is just how it feels. I feel abandoned, therefore I am. It does not matter that it is not his intentions. For me it is so hard to get close to anyone. On the surface , it  may look like I am very close to someone but when they move on, I just don't really care. This time I do. And I hate the way that feels. He is one of the few I can open up to. One of the few ever in my life to care how I felt and what I wanted. And now he's leaving and I am dealing with emotions that I don't want to deal with. I recently went back on my Prozac so I have real emotions. I hate it. I hate feeling. I prefer to not know what I am feeling, to numb out when this get hard. To only recognize anger and my mania. Now I have to feel and it hurts so much. My heart is broken and he has no real clue how much this is hurting me. I wish something would happen and he would have to stay, but I know that is selfish and that he is doing what is best for him. But it makes me feel so alone and like I am not important enough to keep him around. II know how selfish it is.