I have spent so many years blocking out my emotions. I don't remember the last time I couldn't stop my self from feeling and crying until lately when it seems I am in tears so often. My heart is broken. I am having nightmares again. At times it seems that the PTSD no longer exsists, then it comes and slaps me in the face again. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the fear and watching over my shoulder. I think he is looking for me again. I can feel him there, feel him invading me again. And once again, I have to face it alone
I want someone to love me and be with me and care for me. No matter what I am like. I need that person to be there for me. I don't want them to force me to have sex. I want to want them. Not just offer it because I don't want them pushing me into it. I want so many things that i cant have. I hate having real emotions. I just want to be manic again. Crazy manic. Caring about no one or no things feelngs. doing what I want when I want without worrying over consequences. Can anyone relate?
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