Lets talk about Suicide

So the thing is, lately things in my life have been rough to say the least. At one point, I was suicidal. Now I am afraid of dying. If I wasn't, Iwould be dead. Right now I am terrified that my husband is going to leave me and the kids. He don't want to be with us anymore. I think there is someone else. I know he told me he was depressed and had thought about suicide. Just to get away from us. I cannot let my family fall apart. I love my husband. I need him. I need him to love me. I have spent 15 years of my life married to him. So back to the suicide thing. People have different opinions. Some say that it is a very selfish thing. They say that people who commit suicide do nothing but leave a mess and heart ache for those they leave behind. But often, the one who commits suicide really believes they are doing everyone a favor. They  believe that they will cause their love ones less pain if they are not here, than if they stay around. Right now I feel like I am sitting on a fence. I litterally feel like I am in a constant panic attack. That ball in my chest keeps getting bigger and tighter. I feel like I can't breathe half the time. And I sit wondering, would it really be so bad? We can't chose how we are born, but, in a sense, we can chose when and how we die. Sometimes people are just too sick to keep going. They want to die. They want to end the pain they are in. Why is that so bad? We put down sick animals. No one wants to see them suffer, but we watch our loved one's go through Hell just to keep them with us a little longer. I am on both sides of the fence with this. My dad is terminally ill. I would keep him here as long I can. But I don't want to see him in pain either. Now back to my own issues. I would rather die than live without my family. All of it. I cannot raise my kids alone. I don't want to share my husband, though I will if it means I can keep him. And that disgusts me. I am disgusted with myself. I never thought I would be one of those women who would do anything to keep her man. Hell, I never wanted to depend on a man in the first place. I have been abused by nearly every man I know. I have been controlled by them, hurt in ways that I can still hardly speak of. Yet here I am, less than two weeks shy of 15 years of marriage and for what? I have done wrong in our marriage. I have done alot of wrong. But I have done all I can to make up for it. Yes, I am Bipolar. Yes, I suffer from depression, anxiety, PTSD, DID, and other issues. But I am in therapy so that I can be a better wife and mother. I have stayed with the same therapist for atleast four years. Longer I think. So now I think, if I wasn't so afraid to die, I would. And I don't think it would be selfish at all. My husband is better for the kids. He is a lot more stable than I am. I quit cutting to keep him from being angry at me. I am walking on eggshells trying to make him happy. Its everything right now that makes me wonder if it is really a selfish thing. Again most of the people who kill themselves really believe they are doing those around them a favor. From this point of veiw, my husband can hold a job and his temper. So this is my personal issues, but what is your opinion? Is sucide always selfish? Someone find this blog and respond