Away for a while

Lately, I have had so much to say and no way to say it. It seems we will never get the Internet back. I hardly use it except to blog or research but I would really like to keep up with this blog. I need  an outlet. I need this outlet. My mind is going crazy lately. I am having bad mood swings again. And a couple of weeks ago, I spent an entire week in bed with a bad headache. Five of those days I had a full blown migraine. One of those days I took way too many painkillers. So much in fact that I thought I might OD on the Tylenol in them. On a few of those days I also took extra ativan. I ran out it six days early. The first day was fine, but the next four days I spent very manic. Racing thoughts, couldn't sleep, bouncing everywhere and talking ninety to nothing. On the fourth night, as we were getting the kids ready for bed, I sat down on my bed. Suddenly the veins in my right temple began to throb. Just thump thump. It felt so weird and I put my hand up to the vein and felt that it was bulging. I went to the bathroom to see if I could see them. I could. I thought something had to be wrong. Then I told myself that I was just being paranoid and I went to walk back to the bedroom. Suddenly I go severely dizzy. And my head felt like it had this pressure in it. Then my chest got tight, it got hard to breathe and my heart started racing. I yelled for my husband to call for an ambulance, that something was wrong and I thought I was dying. Let me back up just a second. When the dizzy first hit, I thought maybe I was starting to have a seizure since I have had them but don't know what they feel like when they start because after the seizure I have no memory of the things right before they start. Anyway, when that didn't happen I literally thought that I was dying. I was telling my husband to please make sure that my babies never forgot that I loved them and that I was sorry that I wasn't the best mom but I loved them so so much. And I told him that he was the best thing to happen in my life outside of my children. I made him promise to take care of my animals. I didn't think the ambulance was ever going to get there, but I also didn't think I was coming home. When the ambulance finally did arrive, my heart rate was 137. Whatever was happening seemed to be coming in waves. The feelings was always there, but then they would get worse for a few minutes and then slack back down to like a baseline. Once in an the truck, they hooked me up to an EKG which showed that my heart rate while very fast, I was not having a heart attack. I was sure I was having an aneurysm or a stroke. Hospital says no. You are having withdrawals from the ativan. I thought, not possible. Even the nurse said that day 3 with out the med should have been the worst of it. I was on day five. I was due for a refill the next day. So they gave me a dose of ativan and sent me home. No cat scan. Nothing to check out my brain. Now? I am back on my meds and still having episodes, they just are no where near as severe. I don't know what to think. I have never ran out of my medicine before. Never took more than I was suppose to. But long ago, when I was on many medications and I was not quite sane, during my first psychotic break, I would wake up sometimes and decide I no longer needed my psycho meds and I would stop taking them all at once. By day two or three I would be in bed with tremors and nausea and chills. It took me three or four times doing this to realize I was causing my self withdrawals and I quit doing it. At least until I was actually going off the meds for good. Then I more or less weaned off of them. So I know what withdrawals should feel like. I have never experienced anything like that before. Of course I was never actually without my meds and could just start taking them when ever I wanted. This is the one and only time I have ever taken more than what I was suppose to. I usually do the opposite and miss doses here and there. So maybe I am still having effects of the withdrawals even though I am taking the meds again. All I know is I am afraid that they are wrong and there is something seriously wrong with my brain. I just don't want to feel that fear again. I am definitely not ready to die. I have been suicidal, and I have had a couple of whole hearted attempts, but I am thankful now that I didn't die. I am not ready. Now sometimes the only thing that keeps me from trying to kill myself is my fear of dying. I feel so alone. So afraid. And it is constant and sometimes paralyzing. I just want to feel normal. I want to be normal. I want to feel loved and cared for. I want to be able to open up to the people I care for. I want them to know how I am feeling. I want them to want to know. I don't want to be ashamed of my past. I don't want to keep my secrets, to fear people finding out. I want to be loved for who I am and what I have been through. I want to be able to say that bad things have happened to me and that I am not to blame. But I can't say that because, I am ashamed and I do feel blame. I can't say the words hardly. I choke on them. I can barely type them. You know the ones. Rape, sexual abuse, molest, molestation. Just typing them makes my tummy feel funny. How can I get past it when I can't confront it beyond a surface level. If I talk about it, I usually end up with all my emotions shut down and it's more like repeating someone elses story. And really it is, because I become another part of myself. One that knows how to just shut down. Does anyone understand this? Do you know how I feel? Do you know what it is like to not be able to trust anyone? To think you can finally take care of yourself then just when you need to be tough you turn into a child and end up hurt again. I really miss my blades lately. I miss them so much sometimes that sometimes I don't think I am going to be able to resist the urge. The only reason I won't is because it has been so long and I don't want to have to start over again. The last time I cut was July of 2010. Over two years I have been "clean". I don't want to restart that record, but man, lately it is just so hard to resist. And lately I have the need to see him again. I feel like I have too. But I know I shouldn't and I have yet to try, but that urge is strong again too. so I just don''t know. Well, I know this is super long and I could still keep going all night, but I am using someones Internet and I need to get home. Maybe I won't be so long updating next time. I don't even know if anyone has ever read this. I hope they have. I hope somewhere someone reads this and doesn't feel so alone. Take care and stay safe.