Lets talk about Suicide

So the thing is, lately things in my life have been rough to say the least. At one point, I was suicidal. Now I am afraid of dying. If I wasn't, Iwould be dead. Right now I am terrified that my husband is going to leave me and the kids. He don't want to be with us anymore. I think there is someone else. I know he told me he was depressed and had thought about suicide. Just to get away from us. I cannot let my family fall apart. I love my husband. I need him. I need him to love me. I have spent 15 years of my life married to him. So back to the suicide thing. People have different opinions. Some say that it is a very selfish thing. They say that people who commit suicide do nothing but leave a mess and heart ache for those they leave behind. But often, the one who commits suicide really believes they are doing everyone a favor. They  believe that they will cause their love ones less pain if they are not here, than if they stay around. Right now I feel like I am sitting on a fence. I litterally feel like I am in a constant panic attack. That ball in my chest keeps getting bigger and tighter. I feel like I can't breathe half the time. And I sit wondering, would it really be so bad? We can't chose how we are born, but, in a sense, we can chose when and how we die. Sometimes people are just too sick to keep going. They want to die. They want to end the pain they are in. Why is that so bad? We put down sick animals. No one wants to see them suffer, but we watch our loved one's go through Hell just to keep them with us a little longer. I am on both sides of the fence with this. My dad is terminally ill. I would keep him here as long I can. But I don't want to see him in pain either. Now back to my own issues. I would rather die than live without my family. All of it. I cannot raise my kids alone. I don't want to share my husband, though I will if it means I can keep him. And that disgusts me. I am disgusted with myself. I never thought I would be one of those women who would do anything to keep her man. Hell, I never wanted to depend on a man in the first place. I have been abused by nearly every man I know. I have been controlled by them, hurt in ways that I can still hardly speak of. Yet here I am, less than two weeks shy of 15 years of marriage and for what? I have done wrong in our marriage. I have done alot of wrong. But I have done all I can to make up for it. Yes, I am Bipolar. Yes, I suffer from depression, anxiety, PTSD, DID, and other issues. But I am in therapy so that I can be a better wife and mother. I have stayed with the same therapist for atleast four years. Longer I think. So now I think, if I wasn't so afraid to die, I would. And I don't think it would be selfish at all. My husband is better for the kids. He is a lot more stable than I am. I quit cutting to keep him from being angry at me. I am walking on eggshells trying to make him happy. Its everything right now that makes me wonder if it is really a selfish thing. Again most of the people who kill themselves really believe they are doing those around them a favor. From this point of veiw, my husband can hold a job and his temper. So this is my personal issues, but what is your opinion? Is sucide always selfish? Someone find this blog and respond

Its the ones you love that always hurt you

I had intended to do an entirely different post tonight and I will eventually get to it but right now there is something more pressing on my mind. My best friend, the one deserting me and moving across counry has completely broken my heart. He chose his friend with "benifits" over  me. I am by admission quite possessive but this is so much different. I am so stressed that I used my blades tonight. I didn't actually cut. I just scratched but I can tell I am not going to be able to hold out much longer before I go all the way. I am so sad and hurt. I will never be loved enough by anyone to come first. I really wanna do some real cutting tonight. He don't even care I dont think how much hes hurt me by choosing her over me.

Feeling

I have spent so many years blocking out my emotions. I don't remember the last time I couldn't stop my self from feeling and crying until lately when it seems I am in tears so often. My heart is broken. I am having nightmares again. At times it seems that the PTSD no longer exsists, then it comes and slaps me in the face again. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the fear and watching over my shoulder. I think he is looking for me again. I can feel him there, feel him invading me again. And once again, I have to face it alone
I want someone to love me and be with me and care for me. No matter what I am like. I need that person to be there  for me. I don't want them to force me to have sex. I want to want them. Not just offer it because I don't want them pushing me into it. I want so many things that i cant have. I hate having real emotions. I just want to be manic again. Crazy manic. Caring about no one or no things feelngs. doing what I want when I want without worrying over consequences. Can anyone relate?

When someone special leaves yoou behind

I recently learned that my best friend is taking off across the country. And he's not just going for a visit. I am feeling so abandoned. He says he is not abandoning me but to me that is just how it feels. I feel abandoned, therefore I am. It does not matter that it is not his intentions. For me it is so hard to get close to anyone. On the surface , it  may look like I am very close to someone but when they move on, I just don't really care. This time I do. And I hate the way that feels. He is one of the few I can open up to. One of the few ever in my life to care how I felt and what I wanted. And now he's leaving and I am dealing with emotions that I don't want to deal with. I recently went back on my Prozac so I have real emotions. I hate it. I hate feeling. I prefer to not know what I am feeling, to numb out when this get hard. To only recognize anger and my mania. Now I have to feel and it hurts so much. My heart is broken and he has no real clue how much this is hurting me. I wish something would happen and he would have to stay, but I know that is selfish and that he is doing what is best for him. But it makes me feel so alone and like I am not important enough to keep him around. II know how selfish it is.

Hospitalization for me and Dad

So as you know, lately I have been having some health problems. Well, I ended up in the ER where they admitted me for five days. I was badly dehydrated and my potassium was too low along with the heart issues. The good news is I am feeling much better since they started me back on my klonipin. Not so much problems with racing heart or pounding. Still some but not bad. The bad thing with me is today I have been in so much pain with the fibromyalgia. Weather change I guess. More bad news is that Dad's last scan showed that the cancer has already come back. He went in to Tuesday to have it removed again. Thankfully he came through the surgery great and came home Friday. He has staples in his head and he don't feel too good but he's healing well. I know this means that things are going worse and that he may not have as long as we thought but I am not going to let him  go without a fight. I need my dad. For all the bad from being a child, he is a good dad and grandfather now. I can not lose him. I need him to fight but I am afraid the fight is gone. I have to give him reason to fight. Any ideas? Also, I want to find Ricky again. He was one of my worse abusers and I need to see him to know that I am still safe from him. He is a part of my soul and I will never be rid of him so I need to know where he is and know that he don't know where I am. I am so tired. My body is still recovering. I am officially under 100 pounds and am just so stressed and tired. Can anyone relate? Does anyone read this? Does anyone understand how I feel? Anyway, as always, take care and stay safe. I am trying hard to stay away from cutting and my blades. So if anyone wants to talk I am here.

Health Concerns

Lately I have been having some problems with my heart. It is never below the mid 90's anymore. And seems like lately, several times a day, my heart goes haywire beating well into the 100's. I've seen it at the hospital in the upper 150's. That trip they gave me 4 mgs of ativan in my IV to slow it down and that did not work so they put what I think was a beta blocker into my IV which finally brought it down to the upper 90's. This time the doctor told me I was having sinus tachycardia and that he thought it was due to anxiety. Every time I have been to the hospital with it, they have to put it down to anxiety, except the first time and then they said that it was from withdrawals as I had come of one of my medications suddenly. It had not happened before that but now, even back on my meds, it is happening and it is getting worse. Now it is coming with chest and left arm pain. My chest gets really tight. The last time it happened my heart started not only racing, but pounding and skipping beats. I could not breathe and my chest felt like it was being crushed from the inside. By the time the ambulance got there, it had eased some but my heart was still jumping from the upper 80's to the upper 120's. I should also mention that when this happens, I get a weird pressure in my left temple area and I get really dizzy. The last time i was sure I was going to lose consciousness. And the hospital is not taking me seriously. I have had panic attacks since I was a child. They have never felt like this. Also, I have had very few unprovoked panic attacks and even they did not feel like this. Nothing has ever felt like this. I am terrified that I am either going to have a heart attack or stroke or aneurysm. I am afraid to sleep because I am afraid I will not wake up. I am afraid to drive anywhere without another adult in the van because I am afraid I am going to lose consciousness and crash. I can't get in to see the cardiologist until December 10th. And that's if I can get them to See me with my insurance not working properly. Now my heart is not just racing, its skipping beats, pounding and my chest shoulder and arm hurt. I have no clue. I am terrified. The pressure in my left side of my head is almost constant and from time to time I get a weird throbbing in my left temple. On top of that, now, I am also getting sharp pains in different parts of my head. I need a full check over. Head to toe. And I need to know for sure if I am on my way to a heart attack or stroke or something. Or if this really is just a new form of panic attack for me. It is crazy and scary and since I have psych issues, the hospital is not taking me serious. I just want answers. If any one has any idea what this could be, please feel free to leave me a comment or email. Fairiesfire@gmail.com
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The child withiin and lack of control

When many people talk of their "inner child", they are referring to a metaphorical part of themselves. For those of us with DID, this can be a very literal reference to a part of themselves, an alter if you will. For me, that is a very curious seven year old that sometimes gets me into alot of trouble. And sometimes injured. For instances, a few weeks ago, I walked into my living room and noticed my youngest ones swing sitting in the corner. This particular swing comes apart. The swing comes out and doubles as a bouncy seat. Well, said set was out of it and the little bar that holds toys for baby to bat at was turned down....looking just like a little swing seat. I walked over to it, my adult self says "Don't do it" But that little girl didn't listen. She wanted to swing and there was no stopping her. She sat down, pulled her feet off the floor and a second later I was fully back in my body in great pain as I landed tail bone first on the hardwood floor. Yeah, it was kinda funny. At least after I could breathe again. I still can't sit right. It still hurts weeks later. Most of the time, when I switch, a part of me remains present. I just have little to no control for a few minutes, Also there is another part of me that is 16 or so. She also has very little control of herself. She goes after what she wants with little regard to the consequences. It's not like with the little one. She don't put things in her mouth, she don't try stupid stunts. It's very different. She craves love and attention. She wants people to want her. And she doesn't care who gets hurt in the process. This includes me. She also tends to attract the type of men that want to be with young teens. She has gotten me into more trouble than I care to admit and gotten us into situations that we could not get out of. Now I know alot of people think DID is crap, but really, it's just not like they show it on TV. It is very real for me. I just want to be one again. Sure it's sometimes fun for the kid part of me to me out. But more often than not, she makes her appearance at just the wrong time. And then there's " The Bitch". She is the hardest one to deal with. She comes and goes quickly but she leaves behind destruction. I don't have control of any of these others. I may be able to gain control eventually, but by then, the damage is done. And I don't like not having control. I work hard to maintain my control. This is not just a physical thing. It is, in fact, mostly emotional. And it toys with my emotions. It makes me feel things I often don't want to feel. And I am just lost.