Going in circles

Often times I will start a conversation in one place and end up in quite another, never remembering where I was heading in the first place. My mind rums in circles. Sometimes I can't focus at all. My thoughts run 90 miles an hour. Often this happen when I'm trying to sleep and they just won't slow down long enough for sleep to come. This sort of activity seems to happen in cycles and I find that for days on end. I can hardly sleep. Just a couple of hours here and there. Then there's the near constant paranoia. I get up many times a night sometimes to check the doors and check the house and check the kids. My emotional state at times is extremely sensitive. I jumped from one mood to the next. From one extreme to the other. I blow up at little things sometimes. And sometimes I feel like I could just crawl out of my own skin. I hate the way my issues affect the ones I love, but they don't understand that, while they can get away from me, leave the room, go outside, drive away, I am stuck in my body. I am stuck with me. No where to run and hide. I think this may have been where my cutting started. The first time being when I was 14 and decided to scratch the initials of a guy I had a serious crush on into my arm with a paperclip then a carpet knife. A few years later, when I was 18 I really took to it well. Never very deep but deep enough to leave light scarring. Then, when I went really crazy I had friend I had met in the psych ward teach me how to do it "right". She taught me how to go deeper, and I liked it. But once again, when I got pregnant I stopped. It was harder this time and sometimes I was very tempted. I managed to get through to the end of the next pregnancy without picking the habit back up. Then in November of 09 I had a bad seizure where I hurt myself quite badly on the fall down. I was already spiralling out of control again and that sent me over the edge. I began cutting again. Deeper and more frequent. I also at one point, bashed my hand into the wall so many times, it swelled up and turned black. my fingers were so swollen that they would not straighten out and there was no space between then. They kept me in the hospital over night because they thought they may have to do surgery to relieve the pressure. Shortly after I ended back in the psych ward. A few months later, in July, I made a large gash in my leg that had a hard time healing. That was the last. The following month I found out that I was pregnant again and haven't cut since. But that doesn't mean the desire is not there.  It is. I just have to continually fight it.  Most of the time, if I'm not feeling numb, I feel anger. I can't cry. When it feels like I might, I push them down as far as I can. I have to be strong for those around me and when the time comes that it would be safe for me to cry, I cant. I am numb. Can anyone relate to these feelings? What about for those of you who are living with the mentally ill? How do you cope? Do you wish there were more ways you could help or have a better understanding/?