Living with ourselves and the things we do

I have done many things in my lifetime that I am not proud of. Alot of it came during the time when I had a psych breakdown. I spent two weeks in a ward and was worse when I came out than when I went in. I guess in some sort of way I find it comforting to know that i don't remember alot of it. And what I do remember is mostly very blurry. There are times though that a memory will come back and I lose my breath and become sick to my stomach. At least then I was crazy. The only excuse I have for the things I am doing now is desperation. I feel so low. Like dirt. Trash. And I am. I know what I am doing I shouldn't. But I need what I am getting from it. After i do these things its  hard to keep from cutting again. I miss it enough under normal stress. But now.... Well I just cant say much. I just know its never gonna change. I am very unattractive yet people still take me for what they can and I allow it. For different reasons at different times but I still allow it. You cant get anything for free so when you desperate for help, you'll  give whats asked to just make it. I should be grateful that I am getting anything. It will help out my family. But in the process, I just wanna slit my wrist. Just a little more to go. And I will be done with this deal and what comes out of it will ensure that certain things are taken care of. I hate myself sometimes. For the family of the mentally ill, especially the bipolars, try understanding before judging. Maybe you just don't know why they have done what they did but maybe it was for good reason. Maybe it was the only way they could see to do what had to be done. be there for them when they feel like crap. Peace to you all. I need to go find an outlet for now.