Health Concerns

Lately I have been having some problems with my heart. It is never below the mid 90's anymore. And seems like lately, several times a day, my heart goes haywire beating well into the 100's. I've seen it at the hospital in the upper 150's. That trip they gave me 4 mgs of ativan in my IV to slow it down and that did not work so they put what I think was a beta blocker into my IV which finally brought it down to the upper 90's. This time the doctor told me I was having sinus tachycardia and that he thought it was due to anxiety. Every time I have been to the hospital with it, they have to put it down to anxiety, except the first time and then they said that it was from withdrawals as I had come of one of my medications suddenly. It had not happened before that but now, even back on my meds, it is happening and it is getting worse. Now it is coming with chest and left arm pain. My chest gets really tight. The last time it happened my heart started not only racing, but pounding and skipping beats. I could not breathe and my chest felt like it was being crushed from the inside. By the time the ambulance got there, it had eased some but my heart was still jumping from the upper 80's to the upper 120's. I should also mention that when this happens, I get a weird pressure in my left temple area and I get really dizzy. The last time i was sure I was going to lose consciousness. And the hospital is not taking me seriously. I have had panic attacks since I was a child. They have never felt like this. Also, I have had very few unprovoked panic attacks and even they did not feel like this. Nothing has ever felt like this. I am terrified that I am either going to have a heart attack or stroke or aneurysm. I am afraid to sleep because I am afraid I will not wake up. I am afraid to drive anywhere without another adult in the van because I am afraid I am going to lose consciousness and crash. I can't get in to see the cardiologist until December 10th. And that's if I can get them to See me with my insurance not working properly. Now my heart is not just racing, its skipping beats, pounding and my chest shoulder and arm hurt. I have no clue. I am terrified. The pressure in my left side of my head is almost constant and from time to time I get a weird throbbing in my left temple. On top of that, now, I am also getting sharp pains in different parts of my head. I need a full check over. Head to toe. And I need to know for sure if I am on my way to a heart attack or stroke or something. Or if this really is just a new form of panic attack for me. It is crazy and scary and since I have psych issues, the hospital is not taking me serious. I just want answers. If any one has any idea what this could be, please feel free to leave me a comment or email. Fairiesfire@gmail.com
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The child withiin and lack of control

When many people talk of their "inner child", they are referring to a metaphorical part of themselves. For those of us with DID, this can be a very literal reference to a part of themselves, an alter if you will. For me, that is a very curious seven year old that sometimes gets me into alot of trouble. And sometimes injured. For instances, a few weeks ago, I walked into my living room and noticed my youngest ones swing sitting in the corner. This particular swing comes apart. The swing comes out and doubles as a bouncy seat. Well, said set was out of it and the little bar that holds toys for baby to bat at was turned down....looking just like a little swing seat. I walked over to it, my adult self says "Don't do it" But that little girl didn't listen. She wanted to swing and there was no stopping her. She sat down, pulled her feet off the floor and a second later I was fully back in my body in great pain as I landed tail bone first on the hardwood floor. Yeah, it was kinda funny. At least after I could breathe again. I still can't sit right. It still hurts weeks later. Most of the time, when I switch, a part of me remains present. I just have little to no control for a few minutes, Also there is another part of me that is 16 or so. She also has very little control of herself. She goes after what she wants with little regard to the consequences. It's not like with the little one. She don't put things in her mouth, she don't try stupid stunts. It's very different. She craves love and attention. She wants people to want her. And she doesn't care who gets hurt in the process. This includes me. She also tends to attract the type of men that want to be with young teens. She has gotten me into more trouble than I care to admit and gotten us into situations that we could not get out of. Now I know alot of people think DID is crap, but really, it's just not like they show it on TV. It is very real for me. I just want to be one again. Sure it's sometimes fun for the kid part of me to me out. But more often than not, she makes her appearance at just the wrong time. And then there's " The Bitch". She is the hardest one to deal with. She comes and goes quickly but she leaves behind destruction. I don't have control of any of these others. I may be able to gain control eventually, but by then, the damage is done. And I don't like not having control. I work hard to maintain my control. This is not just a physical thing. It is, in fact, mostly emotional. And it toys with my emotions. It makes me feel things I often don't want to feel. And I am just lost.