Help getting readers

If anyone knows how to get readers here and get comments please let me know. I want to know that I am not doing this for nothing. I need someone to connect to. I know I sound desperate, and maybe I am. But I started this blog to reach out to other and find support myself, to let people into the mind of someone with mental illness. And someone who lives a real life. I hope someone can find this and help me. If you follow my blog and send people my way, I will do the same for you.  Thank you. And as always, stay safe and remember you are not alone.

And the Cradle Will Fall

So one of my favorite women came and told me that they were pregnant. I am so incredibly happy for her. But I am lately having baby fever.  But I can't have any more children. There  are many reasons for this. Let's start with my age. I am 31 years of age. Now you may say that, that isn't to old to have children, but my mother went into perimenapause in her early thirty's.  So too, does my body seem to be heading in that direction. Then we will add on the fact that I am not emotionally,financially, or physically stable right now. Throw in the four wonderful children I have already been blessed with and finally the fact that my last pregnancy was very rough on both me and the baby. From twenty weeks on she was growing two plus weeks behind and no one had much hope of her surviving the pregnancy. They induced me at 35 weeks and 5 days. Born at 4 pounds and 7 ounces, she spent 6 days in the NICU learning to control her body temperature, and to treat jaundice. We were very blessed in that she needed no help breathing, and nursed from the start. I was allowed to stay at the hospital so that I would not miss a feeding. Her pregnancy, birth, and the first few weeks, proved to me that I can't have any more babies. It's over for me. I mean, it's not like I really NEED more children. But I guess what is getting me is that the choice has been taken from me in a sense. So here I am, feeling depressed and even jealous. Why? Because it seems that so many of those around me seem to be getting what I want. I hate the fact that I am getting older. I want to stay young. I don't feel like I should be this old yet. I am greatful for my life, that I am alive to be growing older. I am just having a hard time swallowing the things getting older brings with it. Does that make sense to anyone? Can anyone relate to me?

Lost Trust and Other Rambling

So here's the thing, back in the 2003 I started school. I was training to be a EMT. I was also working for the first time in therapy. I mean really working. I have been in and out of therapy since I was five, but this was the first time I ever really worked with it. So anyway, a week after I start school I get viral meningitis. I was falling into a deep depression. My husband did not seem to notice. I honestly thought that he just didn't care anymore. He didn't seem to care that I was falling apart. I was alone. Enter J, my awesome classmate who always seemed to notice when I was down. He would ask me what was wrong and really want to know. When I would tell him "nothing", he would always say to me, "You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but don't lie to me. I can tell when something is wrong with you. I would usually reply with something about having alot on my mind, but eventually I began to open up to him. He made it clear early on that he really cared about me and I made it clear that I was married and I loved my husband. But I really cared for him. He was giving me everything that my husband didn't. And he never tried to push me into anything sexual. I felt like pushing me for sex was the ONLY attention I got from my husband. Then J got kicked out of class and I knew I was about to lose him forever. I needed him. I needed the emotional support that he provided and I knew the only way to keep him was to give him what all guys wanted. Then in January of 2004, my daughter got taken by dfacs. Not because she was being abused, or neglected but because my therapist broke confidentiality. When she found out I had grown up with an alcoholic father and that the same father was now my daughter's care giver when C and I were at school or work. But my father had given up drinking completely when I had my daughter. I told him if he wanted to be a part of his granddaughters life he would have to give up drinking. And he quit. Cold Turkey. But all they saw was what he use to be. Anyway, this is when I had my first mental breakdown and was put in the psych ward. When I came out, I was worse off than when i went in. I was having mixed episodes. I was both manic and depressed at the same time and my moods were all over the place all the time. I thought I was invincible. I was always doing crazy and dangerous things. I told C I didn't care if he slept with my "friends" as long as I didn't have to do it. He started having sex with them, and I started messing around. Our marriage was essentially for show so that we could keep our daughter after we got her back. I still loved him, but I was so angry with him and I hated him for never being there for me and for actually sleeping with other women ( sometimes with me trying to sleep in the same room). And then during this time I also got my self into some bad situations where I was forced/pushed/coerced into sex I didn't want. during those few months I added 4 more partners to my list. I had only had sex twice before I met C. Two different guys, so C was the third guy I was with. I don't remember alot of what I did. I only get flashes of it every now and then and I remember. And then I forget most of it again. Anyway, fast forward ten years. Recently we have began to hand out with an old female friend and her relatively new husband. M and JB are cool to hand with. M has kids our kids age. Me and JB have alot in common and we have fun hanging out and talking. Suddenly C thinks me and JB have something going on. First, I have not done anything wrong since that time ten years ago. Second, I love my husband and would like to keep my marriage together. We have both done wrong. I thought we were past it. Apparently not. And third, JB is my FRIENDS husband!!! Even at my sickest, I would never have hurt my friend like that. SO now here I am wondering if I can go the rest of my life being treated like a whore anytime I get close to another male. I am afraid to even look at this guy now because I am afraid C will misinterpret it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I am suppose to show C that I have no interest in hurting him. I hate what I did to him. I will never get past the guilt. I literally get sick to my stomach when I think about it. Sometimes I get flashbacks to it. I feel so low. But he shouldn't forget that he hurt me too. That the reason I cheated the first time was because I needed to feel a void that shouldn't of been there. Wouldn't of been there if he could of just showed me he loved. I am still the one at fault because i made that decision. I shouldn't have. And then when I lost my mind, I honestly had little to no control of my actions. I am still responsible for them, but I was literally someone else. He has no reason except that he wanted to hurt me. And he done a good job of it. But he don't see that now. All he can see is that I hurt him. So what do I do? Do I really try to hang on to someone who may never trust me again? Do I cut myself off from everyone? I don't get close to many people. I don't let many people in and when I do, I don't want it to matter if that person is male or female. I need someone I can be open with and unload on and talk to. I need that. I don;t know what to do. I love C. We have been married for more than 13 years. I want to see 30. But I need him to love me. Be there for me. And let me be me. I hate sex, yet I give myself to him as often as I can. I certainly don't want to have someone else to please. So my readers who don't exist, what would you do? How should I handle this? How can we move on from mistakes that were make nearly 10 years ago. Is it even possible?

Away for a while

Lately, I have had so much to say and no way to say it. It seems we will never get the Internet back. I hardly use it except to blog or research but I would really like to keep up with this blog. I need  an outlet. I need this outlet. My mind is going crazy lately. I am having bad mood swings again. And a couple of weeks ago, I spent an entire week in bed with a bad headache. Five of those days I had a full blown migraine. One of those days I took way too many painkillers. So much in fact that I thought I might OD on the Tylenol in them. On a few of those days I also took extra ativan. I ran out it six days early. The first day was fine, but the next four days I spent very manic. Racing thoughts, couldn't sleep, bouncing everywhere and talking ninety to nothing. On the fourth night, as we were getting the kids ready for bed, I sat down on my bed. Suddenly the veins in my right temple began to throb. Just thump thump. It felt so weird and I put my hand up to the vein and felt that it was bulging. I went to the bathroom to see if I could see them. I could. I thought something had to be wrong. Then I told myself that I was just being paranoid and I went to walk back to the bedroom. Suddenly I go severely dizzy. And my head felt like it had this pressure in it. Then my chest got tight, it got hard to breathe and my heart started racing. I yelled for my husband to call for an ambulance, that something was wrong and I thought I was dying. Let me back up just a second. When the dizzy first hit, I thought maybe I was starting to have a seizure since I have had them but don't know what they feel like when they start because after the seizure I have no memory of the things right before they start. Anyway, when that didn't happen I literally thought that I was dying. I was telling my husband to please make sure that my babies never forgot that I loved them and that I was sorry that I wasn't the best mom but I loved them so so much. And I told him that he was the best thing to happen in my life outside of my children. I made him promise to take care of my animals. I didn't think the ambulance was ever going to get there, but I also didn't think I was coming home. When the ambulance finally did arrive, my heart rate was 137. Whatever was happening seemed to be coming in waves. The feelings was always there, but then they would get worse for a few minutes and then slack back down to like a baseline. Once in an the truck, they hooked me up to an EKG which showed that my heart rate while very fast, I was not having a heart attack. I was sure I was having an aneurysm or a stroke. Hospital says no. You are having withdrawals from the ativan. I thought, not possible. Even the nurse said that day 3 with out the med should have been the worst of it. I was on day five. I was due for a refill the next day. So they gave me a dose of ativan and sent me home. No cat scan. Nothing to check out my brain. Now? I am back on my meds and still having episodes, they just are no where near as severe. I don't know what to think. I have never ran out of my medicine before. Never took more than I was suppose to. But long ago, when I was on many medications and I was not quite sane, during my first psychotic break, I would wake up sometimes and decide I no longer needed my psycho meds and I would stop taking them all at once. By day two or three I would be in bed with tremors and nausea and chills. It took me three or four times doing this to realize I was causing my self withdrawals and I quit doing it. At least until I was actually going off the meds for good. Then I more or less weaned off of them. So I know what withdrawals should feel like. I have never experienced anything like that before. Of course I was never actually without my meds and could just start taking them when ever I wanted. This is the one and only time I have ever taken more than what I was suppose to. I usually do the opposite and miss doses here and there. So maybe I am still having effects of the withdrawals even though I am taking the meds again. All I know is I am afraid that they are wrong and there is something seriously wrong with my brain. I just don't want to feel that fear again. I am definitely not ready to die. I have been suicidal, and I have had a couple of whole hearted attempts, but I am thankful now that I didn't die. I am not ready. Now sometimes the only thing that keeps me from trying to kill myself is my fear of dying. I feel so alone. So afraid. And it is constant and sometimes paralyzing. I just want to feel normal. I want to be normal. I want to feel loved and cared for. I want to be able to open up to the people I care for. I want them to know how I am feeling. I want them to want to know. I don't want to be ashamed of my past. I don't want to keep my secrets, to fear people finding out. I want to be loved for who I am and what I have been through. I want to be able to say that bad things have happened to me and that I am not to blame. But I can't say that because, I am ashamed and I do feel blame. I can't say the words hardly. I choke on them. I can barely type them. You know the ones. Rape, sexual abuse, molest, molestation. Just typing them makes my tummy feel funny. How can I get past it when I can't confront it beyond a surface level. If I talk about it, I usually end up with all my emotions shut down and it's more like repeating someone elses story. And really it is, because I become another part of myself. One that knows how to just shut down. Does anyone understand this? Do you know how I feel? Do you know what it is like to not be able to trust anyone? To think you can finally take care of yourself then just when you need to be tough you turn into a child and end up hurt again. I really miss my blades lately. I miss them so much sometimes that sometimes I don't think I am going to be able to resist the urge. The only reason I won't is because it has been so long and I don't want to have to start over again. The last time I cut was July of 2010. Over two years I have been "clean". I don't want to restart that record, but man, lately it is just so hard to resist. And lately I have the need to see him again. I feel like I have too. But I know I shouldn't and I have yet to try, but that urge is strong again too. so I just don''t know. Well, I know this is super long and I could still keep going all night, but I am using someones Internet and I need to get home. Maybe I won't be so long updating next time. I don't even know if anyone has ever read this. I hope they have. I hope somewhere someone reads this and doesn't feel so alone. Take care and stay safe.