The way others view us.

I read a post in one of my online communities today where a women was speaking about her husbands bipolar outburst. And it got me to thinking. How do other people really perceive others with bipolar. Bipolars are the butt of many jokes and many times when someone freaks out or is acting "bitchy" people make cracks about them being bipolar. The truth is, while many times it is difficult to control our emotions and behaviors, we do go through stable periods where we seem normal to the average person. I know my husband has dealt with more crap from me that any one should ever have to deal with. But it's not fun for me either. Others can get away from me. I can't. Though sometimes I feel like I'd like to crawl out of my skin. And I'm sure others can relate to that feeling. At my worst with my bipolar, I was in a long term unstable episode. I was depressed and severely manic. I was mean. Really mean. And I didn't care. It was the disease that caused the behavior, but I wasn't unaware of how mean I was being. I loved being manic. I felt invincible. I don't think that any drug  on this earth could match the high of being manic. Even now, when I look back on that time, I cringe at my behavior. Well what I can remember of it. Most of it has been blocked out or become really hazy. But when people go " hey do you remember?" I know that whats coming after it cant be good if it was in that time. And I regret it. Some of it makes me sick to my stomach. So, how do people see us? Well, crazy, mean, unstable and I'm guessing sometimes psychotic. But the truth is, were still human. We are often times just trying to get through and make sense of all were feeling. Anyone care to chime in on their feelings of being or being with a bipolar?

Headaches

I have alot of headaches. Daily. It seems like they never go away. Sometimes there dull and more of a nuisance and sometimes they are full grown migraines complete with blinding pain pain, sensitivity to light, nausea, vomiting and an intense sense that I am going to die from it. I get so sick of the headaches. So sick of never feeling well. And then there's the fibromyalgia. It causes pain all over in varying intensities. Sometimes I can manage with little discomfort but at others, I find it hard to get out of bed. I don't know what to do any more. I'm only 30. I shouldn't feel this old. I shouldn't hurt this much. It's just not right. So for those of you with chronic pain, how do you handle it? Especially those of you who also deal with mental disorders.

Living with ourselves and the things we do

I have done many things in my lifetime that I am not proud of. Alot of it came during the time when I had a psych breakdown. I spent two weeks in a ward and was worse when I came out than when I went in. I guess in some sort of way I find it comforting to know that i don't remember alot of it. And what I do remember is mostly very blurry. There are times though that a memory will come back and I lose my breath and become sick to my stomach. At least then I was crazy. The only excuse I have for the things I am doing now is desperation. I feel so low. Like dirt. Trash. And I am. I know what I am doing I shouldn't. But I need what I am getting from it. After i do these things its  hard to keep from cutting again. I miss it enough under normal stress. But now.... Well I just cant say much. I just know its never gonna change. I am very unattractive yet people still take me for what they can and I allow it. For different reasons at different times but I still allow it. You cant get anything for free so when you desperate for help, you'll  give whats asked to just make it. I should be grateful that I am getting anything. It will help out my family. But in the process, I just wanna slit my wrist. Just a little more to go. And I will be done with this deal and what comes out of it will ensure that certain things are taken care of. I hate myself sometimes. For the family of the mentally ill, especially the bipolars, try understanding before judging. Maybe you just don't know why they have done what they did but maybe it was for good reason. Maybe it was the only way they could see to do what had to be done. be there for them when they feel like crap. Peace to you all. I need to go find an outlet for now.

Poor Gizmo

As I wrote in a previous post, my very small Chihuahua was attacked by a bunch of big dogs. I finally was able to take him to the vet today after the owners guy friend talked her into paying for the office visit. Turns out he has a puncture wound in his chest and broken ribs. Well, first the vet said broken ribs, the he said  that he was crushed. Gizmo still don't want to eat or drink anything. Tonight I fed him runny canned cat food with a baby spoon and water with a med syringe. he also has to take antibiotics twice a day and pain meds once a day. I am still very angry about the whole thing. And i had to call the friend of mine up this morning and tell him if his friend wasn't here in an hour to pick up her mutts I was calling animal control. They should have been picked up by 8 last night. Instead they barked all night and I had to go outside at three this morning to lock them back in the gate. They just kept getting out. I'm guessing that anyone in this situation would be upset, but with the way my mind works, I began having some really mean thoughts about things Id like to do. Part of my disorder causes me to over react to things, so I am always left wondering if I am being bipolar or if I have good reason to be so pissed. I don't trust my own thoughts and emotions sometimes. I don't know what normal is. How about you? Do you have trouble telling the difference between reacting and overreacting? Leave me your thoughts.

Favors for friend

So I have this one friend I really never hear from unless they need something. It wasn't always like this. Or maybe it was and I just didn't realize it. Anyway, a couple of nights ago he calls me and asks if I can go rescue a friend of his from the local ER where she is stuck with two small children. Mind you it's Midnight and I don't know this chic from Eve, but I agree to go and get them. When I get there it takes forever to get them in the van because she is on the phone. Then she informs me that she may have another ride on the way. So I wait. And end up taking her down the road to a gas station instead to the friends house that ask me to go get her. So I call him up and let him know I have her dropped off and he promises to come see me the next day. Well, he of course don't show up. I'm use to this from this person. But he calls me this morning needing another favor for this same girl. Initially I tell him I'll ask Hubby even though I know Hubby will say no. But when he calls for my answer he tells me, " Well she has someone to take them later tonight, can they stay at your house till then. It's just a few hours." So I ask Hubby if he minds. It is just for a few hours. Well, it ended up being FOUR dogs. When she came back a couple hours later to feed them, she let my little chihuahua  into the fence and one of her huge dogs got him. I'm sitting her now, steaming! Not only are the vicious dogs still here, but she hasn't even offered to pay to make sure my dogs OK. I know he needs a vet and I cant afford one. So come tomorrow morning I am going to call the pound to come get these vicious dog and let them know that they attacked my little one. And what happens from there I'm not sure. I may sue. Ive never been one to attempt to sue on stupid grounds but my dog means alot to the family.And she should have offered to take the dogs then and pay for mine to see a vet. I told them they couldn't stay over night. I'm angry that I allowed them to stay and I'm angry that they disrespected me such and I'm angry at my friend for asking me to begin with and now is ignoring my calls. I'm just so ANGRY!!!!!!  Suggestions on how to handle this anyone?

Life's little dissapointments

You know how it goes. You have plans. Nice ones. They are set in stone. Then BAM! The stone gets crushed. Let me explain. A couple of weeks ago my Aunt and Uncle invited my family and I to go to The Smokey Mountains with them. This is something I have wanted to do for quite sometimes. So I'm majorly excited. My children are majorly excited even though they really have no clue what is really waiting for them. They just know that they are going to get to leave this tiny town to do something exciting. My husband is excited to be leaving town to and to be the one to show me the beauty of this area. And my dad, who's birthday is the same weekend was really excited. This could be his last birthday as he suffers from Gliosarcoma, a rare and aggressive form of brain cancer. Medial survival time is 9 months. Two year survival rate is 9 percent. So this trip was really important for many reasons. And we were scheduled to leave early Friday morning. This afternoon, we were informed that the trip was off due to circumstances beyond their control ( my aunt and uncle's that is). So now everyone is disappointed. My aunt, my uncle, cousin, dad, husband and children. All because of some stupid unknown prick who wanted to cause trouble. And for those of you who are bipolar or love a bipolar, you know that disappointment goes to a whole new level. For me it brings out feelings of anger and depression. Instead of seeing the fact that we can probably reschedule, I see that were not getting to do something that I (because of other mental issues) had to work myself up to. As much as I have always wanted to go, my fears and paranoia's now keep me from wanting to leave the house. But the weather was suppose to be good, so that took away one of my fears and we would be traveling back roads which means less of a chance of wrecking at high speeds. So I was ready for it. Not it's been cancelled and I'm angry and depressed and irritated. and the kids are upset too. So is Dad and hubby. As a Bipolar, how do you handle disappointment without going off the deep end. For me, disappointment as well as intense anger and depression would be relieved with a razor blade. Since I don't have that avenue of release anymore ( I'm still fighting urges), I don;t really have a way to cope.

Being alone

I have many fears now. It seems  the older I get the more paranoid I get. I need space, I need a break from those around me sometimes and yes this includes my children. I need time to myself to unwind and not do anything. But I am deeply bothered by being alone. I am afraid when I am away from my family that something horrible will happen to them and I won't reach them in time. I hate being by myself too. All the what ifs that could happen. I hate being with my younger two children without someone reasonably responsible being present. I am afraid that I will have seizure and there will be no one to take care of the kids till I come around. And as anyone who has had a seizure can tell you, when you first come to, you are disoriented and confused. Things don't quiet seem right or real. Everything is off. I hate driving anywhere by myself because of the fear of seizures or crashing in general. I have so many fears that prevent me from doing the things I really want to do. And some that prevent me from doing the things I need to do. I don't want to be alone. I'm already alone in my mind as no one understands what its like. Cant understand why my mind works the way it does. I'm alone all the time. Even in a crowded room. Logically, I know I am loved. I know I have people who care about me, other wise they would have never put up with me this long. But there's this part of me that constantly tells me that if people don't understand me, or don't try to understand me, then they don't truly know me, and if they don't know me then how can they love me? Is it really me they love or just the image I try to present. I am sure some of you can relate to these thoughts and feeling. I know where they come from in a way, but I can't control them. I can't control the voices within me that tell me what a bad person I am and that if anyone truly knew me they could never love me. Whether it is true or not, for now, I will take what I can get.

Going in circles

Often times I will start a conversation in one place and end up in quite another, never remembering where I was heading in the first place. My mind rums in circles. Sometimes I can't focus at all. My thoughts run 90 miles an hour. Often this happen when I'm trying to sleep and they just won't slow down long enough for sleep to come. This sort of activity seems to happen in cycles and I find that for days on end. I can hardly sleep. Just a couple of hours here and there. Then there's the near constant paranoia. I get up many times a night sometimes to check the doors and check the house and check the kids. My emotional state at times is extremely sensitive. I jumped from one mood to the next. From one extreme to the other. I blow up at little things sometimes. And sometimes I feel like I could just crawl out of my own skin. I hate the way my issues affect the ones I love, but they don't understand that, while they can get away from me, leave the room, go outside, drive away, I am stuck in my body. I am stuck with me. No where to run and hide. I think this may have been where my cutting started. The first time being when I was 14 and decided to scratch the initials of a guy I had a serious crush on into my arm with a paperclip then a carpet knife. A few years later, when I was 18 I really took to it well. Never very deep but deep enough to leave light scarring. Then, when I went really crazy I had friend I had met in the psych ward teach me how to do it "right". She taught me how to go deeper, and I liked it. But once again, when I got pregnant I stopped. It was harder this time and sometimes I was very tempted. I managed to get through to the end of the next pregnancy without picking the habit back up. Then in November of 09 I had a bad seizure where I hurt myself quite badly on the fall down. I was already spiralling out of control again and that sent me over the edge. I began cutting again. Deeper and more frequent. I also at one point, bashed my hand into the wall so many times, it swelled up and turned black. my fingers were so swollen that they would not straighten out and there was no space between then. They kept me in the hospital over night because they thought they may have to do surgery to relieve the pressure. Shortly after I ended back in the psych ward. A few months later, in July, I made a large gash in my leg that had a hard time healing. That was the last. The following month I found out that I was pregnant again and haven't cut since. But that doesn't mean the desire is not there.  It is. I just have to continually fight it.  Most of the time, if I'm not feeling numb, I feel anger. I can't cry. When it feels like I might, I push them down as far as I can. I have to be strong for those around me and when the time comes that it would be safe for me to cry, I cant. I am numb. Can anyone relate to these feelings? What about for those of you who are living with the mentally ill? How do you cope? Do you wish there were more ways you could help or have a better understanding/?

Would You change it if you could?

When I was young I use to fantasize that one day I would wake up, and my whole life from right before my parents divorced, up till that point would of all been a dream. Like maybe I had spent months or even years in a coma, and all those bad things never really happened. That fantasy did eventually (for the most part), fade away, but I still spent some years wishing I could go back and erase the past. I know that many of my mental health issues are either directly related to, or exacerbate by, the things that happened in my past. Bipolar Disorder is often genetic, but Bipolar's with a history of abuse tend to have more defined symptoms. And although I was abused before my parents divorced, by two of my father's brothers, I had support. My family was together. I was encouraged to talk about the abuse if I needed to, and I had my whole family standing behind me. Had it of ended there, I would have recovered and went on to lead a much more normal life. However, after the divorce, my mom married my first step dad, my dad became an alcoholic, and I went on to be abused over the course of many years by many people and in the end, began abusing myself.
I met my husband in late 98 and married him in early 99. Two years later we had our first child. And when she was two, I lost her to dfacs because I had my father caring for her while I was in school training to be an EMT. Again, after my parents divorced, my dad become an alcoholic. However when I had my daughter I told him that if he planned on being a part of his granddaughters life, the drinking had to go. All of it. And it did. But I made the mistake of mentioning in therapy that he used to be a drunk. And that he was abusive when he drank. She called dfacs and we lost our daughter. I had a mental break down. I got locked in a mental ward. When I came out, I was worse than when I went in. My bipolar went into overdrive as some of the rest of my disorders. I began cutting myself several times a day on most days. I had been a cutter before the birth of my first child but quit when I found out I was pregnant. I also had a serious suicide attempt a couple of months after we got our daughter back, and while I had attempted suicide several times before while growing up they were all half assed attempts or threats. But this time, had it not been for my loving husband I would have died. But lets fast forward 7 years or so. We now have four children and have been married over 13 years. But getting to the original question ( yeah I went around my elbow to get here and still didn't touch the tip of the iceberg) If I could go back and change it, the things in my past, would I still do it? The answer to that use to be a resounding "Yes!". But now, I don't think so. Everything that's happened to me has led me to the road I am on now. If the things that happened hadn't of, I would probably of never left school, or traveled to Nashville where I met my husband. I would not have gotten married at 17 and I wouldn't have my four beautiful children. I couldn't imagine my life without them or with any other man. I'm still not happy with my past, it still controls many aspects of my life. There are still a million things that I would not be dealing with had these things not happened. Of course I would probably still be bipolar, I might still have anxiety disorder and still have my physical issues but what I wouldn't have is my family. And they are worth everything that I go through, or have went through to be here. I hate myself so much sometimes. I hate the things that still haunt me. But I love my family. Sure I would of liked to of had a normal childhood, but I wouldn't change it now. How about you?