Hospitalization for me and Dad

So as you know, lately I have been having some health problems. Well, I ended up in the ER where they admitted me for five days. I was badly dehydrated and my potassium was too low along with the heart issues. The good news is I am feeling much better since they started me back on my klonipin. Not so much problems with racing heart or pounding. Still some but not bad. The bad thing with me is today I have been in so much pain with the fibromyalgia. Weather change I guess. More bad news is that Dad's last scan showed that the cancer has already come back. He went in to Tuesday to have it removed again. Thankfully he came through the surgery great and came home Friday. He has staples in his head and he don't feel too good but he's healing well. I know this means that things are going worse and that he may not have as long as we thought but I am not going to let him  go without a fight. I need my dad. For all the bad from being a child, he is a good dad and grandfather now. I can not lose him. I need him to fight but I am afraid the fight is gone. I have to give him reason to fight. Any ideas? Also, I want to find Ricky again. He was one of my worse abusers and I need to see him to know that I am still safe from him. He is a part of my soul and I will never be rid of him so I need to know where he is and know that he don't know where I am. I am so tired. My body is still recovering. I am officially under 100 pounds and am just so stressed and tired. Can anyone relate? Does anyone read this? Does anyone understand how I feel? Anyway, as always, take care and stay safe. I am trying hard to stay away from cutting and my blades. So if anyone wants to talk I am here.

Health Concerns

Lately I have been having some problems with my heart. It is never below the mid 90's anymore. And seems like lately, several times a day, my heart goes haywire beating well into the 100's. I've seen it at the hospital in the upper 150's. That trip they gave me 4 mgs of ativan in my IV to slow it down and that did not work so they put what I think was a beta blocker into my IV which finally brought it down to the upper 90's. This time the doctor told me I was having sinus tachycardia and that he thought it was due to anxiety. Every time I have been to the hospital with it, they have to put it down to anxiety, except the first time and then they said that it was from withdrawals as I had come of one of my medications suddenly. It had not happened before that but now, even back on my meds, it is happening and it is getting worse. Now it is coming with chest and left arm pain. My chest gets really tight. The last time it happened my heart started not only racing, but pounding and skipping beats. I could not breathe and my chest felt like it was being crushed from the inside. By the time the ambulance got there, it had eased some but my heart was still jumping from the upper 80's to the upper 120's. I should also mention that when this happens, I get a weird pressure in my left temple area and I get really dizzy. The last time i was sure I was going to lose consciousness. And the hospital is not taking me seriously. I have had panic attacks since I was a child. They have never felt like this. Also, I have had very few unprovoked panic attacks and even they did not feel like this. Nothing has ever felt like this. I am terrified that I am either going to have a heart attack or stroke or aneurysm. I am afraid to sleep because I am afraid I will not wake up. I am afraid to drive anywhere without another adult in the van because I am afraid I am going to lose consciousness and crash. I can't get in to see the cardiologist until December 10th. And that's if I can get them to See me with my insurance not working properly. Now my heart is not just racing, its skipping beats, pounding and my chest shoulder and arm hurt. I have no clue. I am terrified. The pressure in my left side of my head is almost constant and from time to time I get a weird throbbing in my left temple. On top of that, now, I am also getting sharp pains in different parts of my head. I need a full check over. Head to toe. And I need to know for sure if I am on my way to a heart attack or stroke or something. Or if this really is just a new form of panic attack for me. It is crazy and scary and since I have psych issues, the hospital is not taking me serious. I just want answers. If any one has any idea what this could be, please feel free to leave me a comment or email. Fairiesfire@gmail.com
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The child withiin and lack of control

When many people talk of their "inner child", they are referring to a metaphorical part of themselves. For those of us with DID, this can be a very literal reference to a part of themselves, an alter if you will. For me, that is a very curious seven year old that sometimes gets me into alot of trouble. And sometimes injured. For instances, a few weeks ago, I walked into my living room and noticed my youngest ones swing sitting in the corner. This particular swing comes apart. The swing comes out and doubles as a bouncy seat. Well, said set was out of it and the little bar that holds toys for baby to bat at was turned down....looking just like a little swing seat. I walked over to it, my adult self says "Don't do it" But that little girl didn't listen. She wanted to swing and there was no stopping her. She sat down, pulled her feet off the floor and a second later I was fully back in my body in great pain as I landed tail bone first on the hardwood floor. Yeah, it was kinda funny. At least after I could breathe again. I still can't sit right. It still hurts weeks later. Most of the time, when I switch, a part of me remains present. I just have little to no control for a few minutes, Also there is another part of me that is 16 or so. She also has very little control of herself. She goes after what she wants with little regard to the consequences. It's not like with the little one. She don't put things in her mouth, she don't try stupid stunts. It's very different. She craves love and attention. She wants people to want her. And she doesn't care who gets hurt in the process. This includes me. She also tends to attract the type of men that want to be with young teens. She has gotten me into more trouble than I care to admit and gotten us into situations that we could not get out of. Now I know alot of people think DID is crap, but really, it's just not like they show it on TV. It is very real for me. I just want to be one again. Sure it's sometimes fun for the kid part of me to me out. But more often than not, she makes her appearance at just the wrong time. And then there's " The Bitch". She is the hardest one to deal with. She comes and goes quickly but she leaves behind destruction. I don't have control of any of these others. I may be able to gain control eventually, but by then, the damage is done. And I don't like not having control. I work hard to maintain my control. This is not just a physical thing. It is, in fact, mostly emotional. And it toys with my emotions. It makes me feel things I often don't want to feel. And I am just lost.

Help getting readers

If anyone knows how to get readers here and get comments please let me know. I want to know that I am not doing this for nothing. I need someone to connect to. I know I sound desperate, and maybe I am. But I started this blog to reach out to other and find support myself, to let people into the mind of someone with mental illness. And someone who lives a real life. I hope someone can find this and help me. If you follow my blog and send people my way, I will do the same for you.  Thank you. And as always, stay safe and remember you are not alone.

And the Cradle Will Fall

So one of my favorite women came and told me that they were pregnant. I am so incredibly happy for her. But I am lately having baby fever.  But I can't have any more children. There  are many reasons for this. Let's start with my age. I am 31 years of age. Now you may say that, that isn't to old to have children, but my mother went into perimenapause in her early thirty's.  So too, does my body seem to be heading in that direction. Then we will add on the fact that I am not emotionally,financially, or physically stable right now. Throw in the four wonderful children I have already been blessed with and finally the fact that my last pregnancy was very rough on both me and the baby. From twenty weeks on she was growing two plus weeks behind and no one had much hope of her surviving the pregnancy. They induced me at 35 weeks and 5 days. Born at 4 pounds and 7 ounces, she spent 6 days in the NICU learning to control her body temperature, and to treat jaundice. We were very blessed in that she needed no help breathing, and nursed from the start. I was allowed to stay at the hospital so that I would not miss a feeding. Her pregnancy, birth, and the first few weeks, proved to me that I can't have any more babies. It's over for me. I mean, it's not like I really NEED more children. But I guess what is getting me is that the choice has been taken from me in a sense. So here I am, feeling depressed and even jealous. Why? Because it seems that so many of those around me seem to be getting what I want. I hate the fact that I am getting older. I want to stay young. I don't feel like I should be this old yet. I am greatful for my life, that I am alive to be growing older. I am just having a hard time swallowing the things getting older brings with it. Does that make sense to anyone? Can anyone relate to me?

Lost Trust and Other Rambling

So here's the thing, back in the 2003 I started school. I was training to be a EMT. I was also working for the first time in therapy. I mean really working. I have been in and out of therapy since I was five, but this was the first time I ever really worked with it. So anyway, a week after I start school I get viral meningitis. I was falling into a deep depression. My husband did not seem to notice. I honestly thought that he just didn't care anymore. He didn't seem to care that I was falling apart. I was alone. Enter J, my awesome classmate who always seemed to notice when I was down. He would ask me what was wrong and really want to know. When I would tell him "nothing", he would always say to me, "You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but don't lie to me. I can tell when something is wrong with you. I would usually reply with something about having alot on my mind, but eventually I began to open up to him. He made it clear early on that he really cared about me and I made it clear that I was married and I loved my husband. But I really cared for him. He was giving me everything that my husband didn't. And he never tried to push me into anything sexual. I felt like pushing me for sex was the ONLY attention I got from my husband. Then J got kicked out of class and I knew I was about to lose him forever. I needed him. I needed the emotional support that he provided and I knew the only way to keep him was to give him what all guys wanted. Then in January of 2004, my daughter got taken by dfacs. Not because she was being abused, or neglected but because my therapist broke confidentiality. When she found out I had grown up with an alcoholic father and that the same father was now my daughter's care giver when C and I were at school or work. But my father had given up drinking completely when I had my daughter. I told him if he wanted to be a part of his granddaughters life he would have to give up drinking. And he quit. Cold Turkey. But all they saw was what he use to be. Anyway, this is when I had my first mental breakdown and was put in the psych ward. When I came out, I was worse off than when i went in. I was having mixed episodes. I was both manic and depressed at the same time and my moods were all over the place all the time. I thought I was invincible. I was always doing crazy and dangerous things. I told C I didn't care if he slept with my "friends" as long as I didn't have to do it. He started having sex with them, and I started messing around. Our marriage was essentially for show so that we could keep our daughter after we got her back. I still loved him, but I was so angry with him and I hated him for never being there for me and for actually sleeping with other women ( sometimes with me trying to sleep in the same room). And then during this time I also got my self into some bad situations where I was forced/pushed/coerced into sex I didn't want. during those few months I added 4 more partners to my list. I had only had sex twice before I met C. Two different guys, so C was the third guy I was with. I don't remember alot of what I did. I only get flashes of it every now and then and I remember. And then I forget most of it again. Anyway, fast forward ten years. Recently we have began to hand out with an old female friend and her relatively new husband. M and JB are cool to hand with. M has kids our kids age. Me and JB have alot in common and we have fun hanging out and talking. Suddenly C thinks me and JB have something going on. First, I have not done anything wrong since that time ten years ago. Second, I love my husband and would like to keep my marriage together. We have both done wrong. I thought we were past it. Apparently not. And third, JB is my FRIENDS husband!!! Even at my sickest, I would never have hurt my friend like that. SO now here I am wondering if I can go the rest of my life being treated like a whore anytime I get close to another male. I am afraid to even look at this guy now because I am afraid C will misinterpret it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I am suppose to show C that I have no interest in hurting him. I hate what I did to him. I will never get past the guilt. I literally get sick to my stomach when I think about it. Sometimes I get flashbacks to it. I feel so low. But he shouldn't forget that he hurt me too. That the reason I cheated the first time was because I needed to feel a void that shouldn't of been there. Wouldn't of been there if he could of just showed me he loved. I am still the one at fault because i made that decision. I shouldn't have. And then when I lost my mind, I honestly had little to no control of my actions. I am still responsible for them, but I was literally someone else. He has no reason except that he wanted to hurt me. And he done a good job of it. But he don't see that now. All he can see is that I hurt him. So what do I do? Do I really try to hang on to someone who may never trust me again? Do I cut myself off from everyone? I don't get close to many people. I don't let many people in and when I do, I don't want it to matter if that person is male or female. I need someone I can be open with and unload on and talk to. I need that. I don;t know what to do. I love C. We have been married for more than 13 years. I want to see 30. But I need him to love me. Be there for me. And let me be me. I hate sex, yet I give myself to him as often as I can. I certainly don't want to have someone else to please. So my readers who don't exist, what would you do? How should I handle this? How can we move on from mistakes that were make nearly 10 years ago. Is it even possible?

Away for a while

Lately, I have had so much to say and no way to say it. It seems we will never get the Internet back. I hardly use it except to blog or research but I would really like to keep up with this blog. I need  an outlet. I need this outlet. My mind is going crazy lately. I am having bad mood swings again. And a couple of weeks ago, I spent an entire week in bed with a bad headache. Five of those days I had a full blown migraine. One of those days I took way too many painkillers. So much in fact that I thought I might OD on the Tylenol in them. On a few of those days I also took extra ativan. I ran out it six days early. The first day was fine, but the next four days I spent very manic. Racing thoughts, couldn't sleep, bouncing everywhere and talking ninety to nothing. On the fourth night, as we were getting the kids ready for bed, I sat down on my bed. Suddenly the veins in my right temple began to throb. Just thump thump. It felt so weird and I put my hand up to the vein and felt that it was bulging. I went to the bathroom to see if I could see them. I could. I thought something had to be wrong. Then I told myself that I was just being paranoid and I went to walk back to the bedroom. Suddenly I go severely dizzy. And my head felt like it had this pressure in it. Then my chest got tight, it got hard to breathe and my heart started racing. I yelled for my husband to call for an ambulance, that something was wrong and I thought I was dying. Let me back up just a second. When the dizzy first hit, I thought maybe I was starting to have a seizure since I have had them but don't know what they feel like when they start because after the seizure I have no memory of the things right before they start. Anyway, when that didn't happen I literally thought that I was dying. I was telling my husband to please make sure that my babies never forgot that I loved them and that I was sorry that I wasn't the best mom but I loved them so so much. And I told him that he was the best thing to happen in my life outside of my children. I made him promise to take care of my animals. I didn't think the ambulance was ever going to get there, but I also didn't think I was coming home. When the ambulance finally did arrive, my heart rate was 137. Whatever was happening seemed to be coming in waves. The feelings was always there, but then they would get worse for a few minutes and then slack back down to like a baseline. Once in an the truck, they hooked me up to an EKG which showed that my heart rate while very fast, I was not having a heart attack. I was sure I was having an aneurysm or a stroke. Hospital says no. You are having withdrawals from the ativan. I thought, not possible. Even the nurse said that day 3 with out the med should have been the worst of it. I was on day five. I was due for a refill the next day. So they gave me a dose of ativan and sent me home. No cat scan. Nothing to check out my brain. Now? I am back on my meds and still having episodes, they just are no where near as severe. I don't know what to think. I have never ran out of my medicine before. Never took more than I was suppose to. But long ago, when I was on many medications and I was not quite sane, during my first psychotic break, I would wake up sometimes and decide I no longer needed my psycho meds and I would stop taking them all at once. By day two or three I would be in bed with tremors and nausea and chills. It took me three or four times doing this to realize I was causing my self withdrawals and I quit doing it. At least until I was actually going off the meds for good. Then I more or less weaned off of them. So I know what withdrawals should feel like. I have never experienced anything like that before. Of course I was never actually without my meds and could just start taking them when ever I wanted. This is the one and only time I have ever taken more than what I was suppose to. I usually do the opposite and miss doses here and there. So maybe I am still having effects of the withdrawals even though I am taking the meds again. All I know is I am afraid that they are wrong and there is something seriously wrong with my brain. I just don't want to feel that fear again. I am definitely not ready to die. I have been suicidal, and I have had a couple of whole hearted attempts, but I am thankful now that I didn't die. I am not ready. Now sometimes the only thing that keeps me from trying to kill myself is my fear of dying. I feel so alone. So afraid. And it is constant and sometimes paralyzing. I just want to feel normal. I want to be normal. I want to feel loved and cared for. I want to be able to open up to the people I care for. I want them to know how I am feeling. I want them to want to know. I don't want to be ashamed of my past. I don't want to keep my secrets, to fear people finding out. I want to be loved for who I am and what I have been through. I want to be able to say that bad things have happened to me and that I am not to blame. But I can't say that because, I am ashamed and I do feel blame. I can't say the words hardly. I choke on them. I can barely type them. You know the ones. Rape, sexual abuse, molest, molestation. Just typing them makes my tummy feel funny. How can I get past it when I can't confront it beyond a surface level. If I talk about it, I usually end up with all my emotions shut down and it's more like repeating someone elses story. And really it is, because I become another part of myself. One that knows how to just shut down. Does anyone understand this? Do you know how I feel? Do you know what it is like to not be able to trust anyone? To think you can finally take care of yourself then just when you need to be tough you turn into a child and end up hurt again. I really miss my blades lately. I miss them so much sometimes that sometimes I don't think I am going to be able to resist the urge. The only reason I won't is because it has been so long and I don't want to have to start over again. The last time I cut was July of 2010. Over two years I have been "clean". I don't want to restart that record, but man, lately it is just so hard to resist. And lately I have the need to see him again. I feel like I have too. But I know I shouldn't and I have yet to try, but that urge is strong again too. so I just don''t know. Well, I know this is super long and I could still keep going all night, but I am using someones Internet and I need to get home. Maybe I won't be so long updating next time. I don't even know if anyone has ever read this. I hope they have. I hope somewhere someone reads this and doesn't feel so alone. Take care and stay safe.

Still here

I know it's been a while since I posted. I didn't mean for it to go that way, but sometimes I just quit doing anything. I don't want to so much as leave my room. My bedroom is just fine. I would never leave if I could get away with it. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I am tired, and I am in pain. Both mentally and physically. I feel so alone and so misunderstood. I want to go back on medication, but I recently learned that my husband would prefer I not. I know he wouldnt try to stop me, but I respect his opinion enough to try to get through on my own. He says he likes me better when I am not medicated. What he don't understand is that when I am not medicated I feel so depressed. Sometimes so much so that if I was not afraid of dying, I would kill myself. I miss my blades alot right now and I know I can't go back to those either. I need to feel alive again. My kids just went back to school and I hate that. I didn't want school to start back so soon. Now three out of four of my children are gone durng the day. And speaking of school, money is so tight we couldn't get them all of their school supplies and no new clothes to start the year with. We basically got them only the things that they could not do without which included a pair of shoes. I will try to update more often from now on but for now I have to go. I am really tired and my body hurts all over and I have therapy tomorrow and I have promised for the last three or four sessions that I would take some time to write, but I haven't yet. So I need to try and do that. Untill next time take care of yourself.

The little within

There is a part of me that is very very small. She can be temperous, sulky, playful and scared. She wants her way sometimes, even when her way is not good for anyone. She whines for the things she wants, and sometimes cries for the things she can't have. She craves attention and love. She likes to play with others. but often times she feels so alone. She wants someone to care for her. To make her feel safe. But I am not sure if she will ever feel safe. I scream at that little girl all the time. I tell  her to stop being so weak. Quit acting like the child your are. But she wants to come out and play. She wants someone to listen  to her. And I think it's time I start. She has fun playing with my children, and she loves to talk about her cats and sometimes she needs to talk about the things that happened to us. I know she's there. I can feel her presents and sometimes, I can hear her. Who knows what might come of this? Maybe I'll start working with her. Maybe I will continue to tell her to grow up. But this little girl is a part of me. A part of me that will always be there unless I heal the hurt.

Have you heard of Virtuous Pedophiles?

So somehow recently I come across an article about a website called Virtuous Pedophiles. And I thought,  " Virtuous pedophiles? Yeah right".  But as a read the article I became intrigued and decided to check out the website. I looked it over and in what ( for me) was a bold move, I emailed one of the owners. I asked if he would mind corresponding with me and answering some questions. He replied back and agreed. When asked to explain the point of his ( and his partners) website he replied back " Our position as an organization, is that sexual activity between adults and children is always a bad idea, and we don't condone it, even if  a girl said it was  OK at the time."
The more we "talked" the more intrigued I became. Most people seem to equate the  word "child molester" with Pedophile. Now I've realized for a while that not all child molesters were pedophiles, but now I am learning, that apparently, not all pedophiles become child molesters. Many pedophiles lead law abiding lives, but still believe that, if it were legal, then a " consensual" adult/child relationship would be OK. The members of Virtuous Pedophiles do not agree.  Mr. Ethan Edwards, co-founder of the site, says that " No one knows in advance that there will be no harm and the risk of harm is just too great." He went on to say " When some pedophile says it might not be so harmful to a girl if she was OK with it, I see that as something that is centered on the needs of the pedophile. From the point of view of the girl, the main question shouldn't be whether it wouldn't be harmful. The question is what benefit there would be to her, and what the risk of harm is and that's still quite high."
This website and it's member are also against child porn. They do not make it, or use it. They see it for what it is, abuse of a child, even if they are not the one's taking it, they believe looking at it is promoting child abuse.
As do most pedophiles, this group believes that they are born with this sexual orientation, just as homosexual are born attracted to the same sex, and heterosexuals are born attracted to the opposite.  The difference is, they do not believe those urges should be acted upon. So what do you think? Is it possible for a pedophile to be virtuous? Or does their  attraction to children alone make them unworthy of understanding? Do you believe it is possible to be a pedophile and not offend against children? Let me know what you think.

It's Been A While

I know I have not been on lately, but that's due to lack of Internet. This have been difficult around here in ways that I just cannot explain. I seriously need to win about 5000 dollars off the lottery. So much I want to get done and need to get done and bills to catch up on.  Let's make that 10000 so that I can go on vacation as well. I want my kids to see the ocean and I want to take them alot of cool places as summer is about over. We haven't had the money to do anything.  I want to be able to get the pool up and running and it don't look like we are going to be able to do that without professional help. Anyway, my issues have been acting up lately. Due to a recent incident at the house I have found myself wanting more and more to do something crazy, but I am holding strong. Anyway that is all for now. I will post more tomorrow as I do have something I would like to share. Until then, be safe, take care, and know that there is someone out here who can identify with what you are feeling and experiencing.

The way others view us.

I read a post in one of my online communities today where a women was speaking about her husbands bipolar outburst. And it got me to thinking. How do other people really perceive others with bipolar. Bipolars are the butt of many jokes and many times when someone freaks out or is acting "bitchy" people make cracks about them being bipolar. The truth is, while many times it is difficult to control our emotions and behaviors, we do go through stable periods where we seem normal to the average person. I know my husband has dealt with more crap from me that any one should ever have to deal with. But it's not fun for me either. Others can get away from me. I can't. Though sometimes I feel like I'd like to crawl out of my skin. And I'm sure others can relate to that feeling. At my worst with my bipolar, I was in a long term unstable episode. I was depressed and severely manic. I was mean. Really mean. And I didn't care. It was the disease that caused the behavior, but I wasn't unaware of how mean I was being. I loved being manic. I felt invincible. I don't think that any drug  on this earth could match the high of being manic. Even now, when I look back on that time, I cringe at my behavior. Well what I can remember of it. Most of it has been blocked out or become really hazy. But when people go " hey do you remember?" I know that whats coming after it cant be good if it was in that time. And I regret it. Some of it makes me sick to my stomach. So, how do people see us? Well, crazy, mean, unstable and I'm guessing sometimes psychotic. But the truth is, were still human. We are often times just trying to get through and make sense of all were feeling. Anyone care to chime in on their feelings of being or being with a bipolar?

Headaches

I have alot of headaches. Daily. It seems like they never go away. Sometimes there dull and more of a nuisance and sometimes they are full grown migraines complete with blinding pain pain, sensitivity to light, nausea, vomiting and an intense sense that I am going to die from it. I get so sick of the headaches. So sick of never feeling well. And then there's the fibromyalgia. It causes pain all over in varying intensities. Sometimes I can manage with little discomfort but at others, I find it hard to get out of bed. I don't know what to do any more. I'm only 30. I shouldn't feel this old. I shouldn't hurt this much. It's just not right. So for those of you with chronic pain, how do you handle it? Especially those of you who also deal with mental disorders.

Living with ourselves and the things we do

I have done many things in my lifetime that I am not proud of. Alot of it came during the time when I had a psych breakdown. I spent two weeks in a ward and was worse when I came out than when I went in. I guess in some sort of way I find it comforting to know that i don't remember alot of it. And what I do remember is mostly very blurry. There are times though that a memory will come back and I lose my breath and become sick to my stomach. At least then I was crazy. The only excuse I have for the things I am doing now is desperation. I feel so low. Like dirt. Trash. And I am. I know what I am doing I shouldn't. But I need what I am getting from it. After i do these things its  hard to keep from cutting again. I miss it enough under normal stress. But now.... Well I just cant say much. I just know its never gonna change. I am very unattractive yet people still take me for what they can and I allow it. For different reasons at different times but I still allow it. You cant get anything for free so when you desperate for help, you'll  give whats asked to just make it. I should be grateful that I am getting anything. It will help out my family. But in the process, I just wanna slit my wrist. Just a little more to go. And I will be done with this deal and what comes out of it will ensure that certain things are taken care of. I hate myself sometimes. For the family of the mentally ill, especially the bipolars, try understanding before judging. Maybe you just don't know why they have done what they did but maybe it was for good reason. Maybe it was the only way they could see to do what had to be done. be there for them when they feel like crap. Peace to you all. I need to go find an outlet for now.

Poor Gizmo

As I wrote in a previous post, my very small Chihuahua was attacked by a bunch of big dogs. I finally was able to take him to the vet today after the owners guy friend talked her into paying for the office visit. Turns out he has a puncture wound in his chest and broken ribs. Well, first the vet said broken ribs, the he said  that he was crushed. Gizmo still don't want to eat or drink anything. Tonight I fed him runny canned cat food with a baby spoon and water with a med syringe. he also has to take antibiotics twice a day and pain meds once a day. I am still very angry about the whole thing. And i had to call the friend of mine up this morning and tell him if his friend wasn't here in an hour to pick up her mutts I was calling animal control. They should have been picked up by 8 last night. Instead they barked all night and I had to go outside at three this morning to lock them back in the gate. They just kept getting out. I'm guessing that anyone in this situation would be upset, but with the way my mind works, I began having some really mean thoughts about things Id like to do. Part of my disorder causes me to over react to things, so I am always left wondering if I am being bipolar or if I have good reason to be so pissed. I don't trust my own thoughts and emotions sometimes. I don't know what normal is. How about you? Do you have trouble telling the difference between reacting and overreacting? Leave me your thoughts.

Favors for friend

So I have this one friend I really never hear from unless they need something. It wasn't always like this. Or maybe it was and I just didn't realize it. Anyway, a couple of nights ago he calls me and asks if I can go rescue a friend of his from the local ER where she is stuck with two small children. Mind you it's Midnight and I don't know this chic from Eve, but I agree to go and get them. When I get there it takes forever to get them in the van because she is on the phone. Then she informs me that she may have another ride on the way. So I wait. And end up taking her down the road to a gas station instead to the friends house that ask me to go get her. So I call him up and let him know I have her dropped off and he promises to come see me the next day. Well, he of course don't show up. I'm use to this from this person. But he calls me this morning needing another favor for this same girl. Initially I tell him I'll ask Hubby even though I know Hubby will say no. But when he calls for my answer he tells me, " Well she has someone to take them later tonight, can they stay at your house till then. It's just a few hours." So I ask Hubby if he minds. It is just for a few hours. Well, it ended up being FOUR dogs. When she came back a couple hours later to feed them, she let my little chihuahua  into the fence and one of her huge dogs got him. I'm sitting her now, steaming! Not only are the vicious dogs still here, but she hasn't even offered to pay to make sure my dogs OK. I know he needs a vet and I cant afford one. So come tomorrow morning I am going to call the pound to come get these vicious dog and let them know that they attacked my little one. And what happens from there I'm not sure. I may sue. Ive never been one to attempt to sue on stupid grounds but my dog means alot to the family.And she should have offered to take the dogs then and pay for mine to see a vet. I told them they couldn't stay over night. I'm angry that I allowed them to stay and I'm angry that they disrespected me such and I'm angry at my friend for asking me to begin with and now is ignoring my calls. I'm just so ANGRY!!!!!!  Suggestions on how to handle this anyone?

Life's little dissapointments

You know how it goes. You have plans. Nice ones. They are set in stone. Then BAM! The stone gets crushed. Let me explain. A couple of weeks ago my Aunt and Uncle invited my family and I to go to The Smokey Mountains with them. This is something I have wanted to do for quite sometimes. So I'm majorly excited. My children are majorly excited even though they really have no clue what is really waiting for them. They just know that they are going to get to leave this tiny town to do something exciting. My husband is excited to be leaving town to and to be the one to show me the beauty of this area. And my dad, who's birthday is the same weekend was really excited. This could be his last birthday as he suffers from Gliosarcoma, a rare and aggressive form of brain cancer. Medial survival time is 9 months. Two year survival rate is 9 percent. So this trip was really important for many reasons. And we were scheduled to leave early Friday morning. This afternoon, we were informed that the trip was off due to circumstances beyond their control ( my aunt and uncle's that is). So now everyone is disappointed. My aunt, my uncle, cousin, dad, husband and children. All because of some stupid unknown prick who wanted to cause trouble. And for those of you who are bipolar or love a bipolar, you know that disappointment goes to a whole new level. For me it brings out feelings of anger and depression. Instead of seeing the fact that we can probably reschedule, I see that were not getting to do something that I (because of other mental issues) had to work myself up to. As much as I have always wanted to go, my fears and paranoia's now keep me from wanting to leave the house. But the weather was suppose to be good, so that took away one of my fears and we would be traveling back roads which means less of a chance of wrecking at high speeds. So I was ready for it. Not it's been cancelled and I'm angry and depressed and irritated. and the kids are upset too. So is Dad and hubby. As a Bipolar, how do you handle disappointment without going off the deep end. For me, disappointment as well as intense anger and depression would be relieved with a razor blade. Since I don't have that avenue of release anymore ( I'm still fighting urges), I don;t really have a way to cope.

Being alone

I have many fears now. It seems  the older I get the more paranoid I get. I need space, I need a break from those around me sometimes and yes this includes my children. I need time to myself to unwind and not do anything. But I am deeply bothered by being alone. I am afraid when I am away from my family that something horrible will happen to them and I won't reach them in time. I hate being by myself too. All the what ifs that could happen. I hate being with my younger two children without someone reasonably responsible being present. I am afraid that I will have seizure and there will be no one to take care of the kids till I come around. And as anyone who has had a seizure can tell you, when you first come to, you are disoriented and confused. Things don't quiet seem right or real. Everything is off. I hate driving anywhere by myself because of the fear of seizures or crashing in general. I have so many fears that prevent me from doing the things I really want to do. And some that prevent me from doing the things I need to do. I don't want to be alone. I'm already alone in my mind as no one understands what its like. Cant understand why my mind works the way it does. I'm alone all the time. Even in a crowded room. Logically, I know I am loved. I know I have people who care about me, other wise they would have never put up with me this long. But there's this part of me that constantly tells me that if people don't understand me, or don't try to understand me, then they don't truly know me, and if they don't know me then how can they love me? Is it really me they love or just the image I try to present. I am sure some of you can relate to these thoughts and feeling. I know where they come from in a way, but I can't control them. I can't control the voices within me that tell me what a bad person I am and that if anyone truly knew me they could never love me. Whether it is true or not, for now, I will take what I can get.

Going in circles

Often times I will start a conversation in one place and end up in quite another, never remembering where I was heading in the first place. My mind rums in circles. Sometimes I can't focus at all. My thoughts run 90 miles an hour. Often this happen when I'm trying to sleep and they just won't slow down long enough for sleep to come. This sort of activity seems to happen in cycles and I find that for days on end. I can hardly sleep. Just a couple of hours here and there. Then there's the near constant paranoia. I get up many times a night sometimes to check the doors and check the house and check the kids. My emotional state at times is extremely sensitive. I jumped from one mood to the next. From one extreme to the other. I blow up at little things sometimes. And sometimes I feel like I could just crawl out of my own skin. I hate the way my issues affect the ones I love, but they don't understand that, while they can get away from me, leave the room, go outside, drive away, I am stuck in my body. I am stuck with me. No where to run and hide. I think this may have been where my cutting started. The first time being when I was 14 and decided to scratch the initials of a guy I had a serious crush on into my arm with a paperclip then a carpet knife. A few years later, when I was 18 I really took to it well. Never very deep but deep enough to leave light scarring. Then, when I went really crazy I had friend I had met in the psych ward teach me how to do it "right". She taught me how to go deeper, and I liked it. But once again, when I got pregnant I stopped. It was harder this time and sometimes I was very tempted. I managed to get through to the end of the next pregnancy without picking the habit back up. Then in November of 09 I had a bad seizure where I hurt myself quite badly on the fall down. I was already spiralling out of control again and that sent me over the edge. I began cutting again. Deeper and more frequent. I also at one point, bashed my hand into the wall so many times, it swelled up and turned black. my fingers were so swollen that they would not straighten out and there was no space between then. They kept me in the hospital over night because they thought they may have to do surgery to relieve the pressure. Shortly after I ended back in the psych ward. A few months later, in July, I made a large gash in my leg that had a hard time healing. That was the last. The following month I found out that I was pregnant again and haven't cut since. But that doesn't mean the desire is not there.  It is. I just have to continually fight it.  Most of the time, if I'm not feeling numb, I feel anger. I can't cry. When it feels like I might, I push them down as far as I can. I have to be strong for those around me and when the time comes that it would be safe for me to cry, I cant. I am numb. Can anyone relate to these feelings? What about for those of you who are living with the mentally ill? How do you cope? Do you wish there were more ways you could help or have a better understanding/?

Would You change it if you could?

When I was young I use to fantasize that one day I would wake up, and my whole life from right before my parents divorced, up till that point would of all been a dream. Like maybe I had spent months or even years in a coma, and all those bad things never really happened. That fantasy did eventually (for the most part), fade away, but I still spent some years wishing I could go back and erase the past. I know that many of my mental health issues are either directly related to, or exacerbate by, the things that happened in my past. Bipolar Disorder is often genetic, but Bipolar's with a history of abuse tend to have more defined symptoms. And although I was abused before my parents divorced, by two of my father's brothers, I had support. My family was together. I was encouraged to talk about the abuse if I needed to, and I had my whole family standing behind me. Had it of ended there, I would have recovered and went on to lead a much more normal life. However, after the divorce, my mom married my first step dad, my dad became an alcoholic, and I went on to be abused over the course of many years by many people and in the end, began abusing myself.
I met my husband in late 98 and married him in early 99. Two years later we had our first child. And when she was two, I lost her to dfacs because I had my father caring for her while I was in school training to be an EMT. Again, after my parents divorced, my dad become an alcoholic. However when I had my daughter I told him that if he planned on being a part of his granddaughters life, the drinking had to go. All of it. And it did. But I made the mistake of mentioning in therapy that he used to be a drunk. And that he was abusive when he drank. She called dfacs and we lost our daughter. I had a mental break down. I got locked in a mental ward. When I came out, I was worse than when I went in. My bipolar went into overdrive as some of the rest of my disorders. I began cutting myself several times a day on most days. I had been a cutter before the birth of my first child but quit when I found out I was pregnant. I also had a serious suicide attempt a couple of months after we got our daughter back, and while I had attempted suicide several times before while growing up they were all half assed attempts or threats. But this time, had it not been for my loving husband I would have died. But lets fast forward 7 years or so. We now have four children and have been married over 13 years. But getting to the original question ( yeah I went around my elbow to get here and still didn't touch the tip of the iceberg) If I could go back and change it, the things in my past, would I still do it? The answer to that use to be a resounding "Yes!". But now, I don't think so. Everything that's happened to me has led me to the road I am on now. If the things that happened hadn't of, I would probably of never left school, or traveled to Nashville where I met my husband. I would not have gotten married at 17 and I wouldn't have my four beautiful children. I couldn't imagine my life without them or with any other man. I'm still not happy with my past, it still controls many aspects of my life. There are still a million things that I would not be dealing with had these things not happened. Of course I would probably still be bipolar, I might still have anxiety disorder and still have my physical issues but what I wouldn't have is my family. And they are worth everything that I go through, or have went through to be here. I hate myself so much sometimes. I hate the things that still haunt me. But I love my family. Sure I would of liked to of had a normal childhood, but I wouldn't change it now. How about you?

Dad's condition

It seems to me things are going down faster than expected. I cant prove this yet but i am afraid that the MRI on the 29th will prove it. If I haven't mentioned it before, here's the story: On February 13th, after weeks of odd behavior and speech and three days of headaches so severe he couldn't work or eat, I forced Dad to the doctors office. They refused to  treat his "migraine". I took the nurse aside and told her it was more than a migraine and went on to describe his symptoms. She spoke to the doc and he said that the ER was still the best bet as they could run more test. At the hospital, I done the same thing, pulled the nurse aside and explained all the symptoms. Dad had no complaint other than a headache. Well, they ran a CAT scan and immediately started talking about shipping him to Erlanger, a much bigger hospital about 60 miles from here. They said they found a small lesion and a small bleed in the left frontal lobe. This explained the strange speech and mood changes. So off we go to Chattanooga, he in an ambulance and me in the car. At Erlanger that small "lesion" turned into a tumor and swelling on the brain, sever enough to shift his brain. He remained in Erlanger from the 13th through the 15th the came home the night of the 15th to spend my sons birthday with us and attend my middle daughters play. This is also the day the doctor told me that what he had was a GBM tumor, or glioblastoma. A little research and I was official freaked  out. Friday the 17th he went back into the hospital to have the 4cm tumor removed. I was so afraid that he wasn't coming out of surgery, but when he ask " Will I wake up from this?" I told him yes he would. When the surgeon called to tell us everything went well, he also informed us that they wouldn't actually know what it was till the pathology report came back. He also said that because of the area where the tumor was located, we wouldn't know till he woke up whether or not it would affect his speech. But he woke up asking for food and feeling fine. Things seemed to be looking up. He was cranky the next day but alive and having no apparent problems talking. There was a chance he would be fine. He got out Sunday night and seemed to improve as the days went on. Twelve days later he went back to get the staples out and we were informed that what he had was grade 4 brain cancer. Specifically Gliosarcoma. A rare and deadly form of aggressive brain cancer. Research says one year with good response to treatment. Now onto 6 weeks of radiation and chemo. Five days a week radiation, seven days a week chemo in the form of a pill taken at home. His doc tells us  3 to 6 months without treatment, 18 months with good response to treatment. But here we are, just over three months past discovery finished with radiation and starting the first round of maintenance Chemo, twice the original dose but taken only five days out of every 28. I'm worried that he is already having regrowth. He's tired all the time and I think his speech may be acting up again. Statistics say two year survival is 9 percent, five year is 2 percent. I keep trying to tell myself that what is terminal today may not be in 6 months, that advances are made everyday, and that someone has to be in the 2 percent so why not him? I know this is unrealistic however, and I ache at the thought of losing my Dad. I cant imagine life without him. I lost my Grandma in December ( my Dads mom) and it's still not sunk in. I cant imagine losing Dad too. And the wondering if causing me so much anxiety. On the 29th we go back for his first post treatment scan. I don't know what will be offered if there has been regrowth. More surgery? And if so, will he take it? I cant even began to wonder what it is like for him, but true to his nature, he don't let on to what he is thinking or feeling. Will he be here for Christmas? Emily's next birthday or even mine? All the questions are driving me crazy. And just like Dad, I hide a way my sadness and fear. I focus on his treatments. I make sure he takes his meds. And I try to keep him focused. Sometimes it all seems so unreal. Just as it did, ( and still does) when Grandma died. Then sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks and I cant breath.

Disociate Identity Disorder

So what is Dissociate Identity Disorder?  It's actually what use to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. When people hear this, they think of the extreme causes they have heard about on the news and the outrageous Hollywood portrayal. And on top of this, many doctors don't even believe it exists. But here I sit, with my own diagnosis of it. And it does NOT look like it does on TV. Also, I don't usually lose large spaces of time or not know when I "change" over.  Often my changes are subtle. I start to feel small. I speak in  a child's voice with a child's words. I know what is happening but I don't have control of it. Sometimes I become angry and spiteful. I feel as if I am watching what is happening. The different parts of me sometimes fight among themselves. It can get loud in my head. Often times I hear opinions other than mine slipping out. I work hard to stay present. Sometimes Dissociating is as simple as staring into space. sometimes I come back into conversations and have no clue what has been said or what I am talking about. In the movies the host often has no knowledge of the other personalities. They always show them losing days at a time and often living a double life. One in which is normal and sane and another where they are wild or evil. Its not often like that. Though there have been occasions where I completely lost time.  At one point in my life, I went crazy. I have very few memories of about 6 months. And the ones I do have are mostly fuzzy. Every now and then a memory from that time will hit me and I am literally sick to my stomach at some of the things that happened and things that I did. I was literally a different person then. Now I have more control over it and the voices are quieter. Most the time. But they are still there. I always felt them there. But because I didn't "change' like people on TV do, I never really believed they were real. When I began with my present therapist she helped me to realize that they are real. And they are all a part of me. Not separate people. Although they are "separate". But they are part of me. They were born from a need to protect myself when i was a child. From many things. But apparently they are now more of a hindrance than a help. sometimes I like having them here. They keep me from feeling so alone. But at the same time, part of me is a real bitch and I don't like her But she stands up for me. And the child part of me can be whinny and demanding but also loves to play with the kids. And then part of me is wild, loves attention and is a tease. I have no use for her anymore. She is my rebellion. This is my life. This is real to me. and though it is not TV worthy, it can really interfere with my life. I am working to make myself whole again. keep what is needed and let go of what is not. I am not crazy nor do I make this up. The ones who know me best recognize the changes. Even when I don't myself.  Support is important. If your family, know that your support means everything. That does not mean you have to enable the bad behavior but when your loved one is having a hard time and trying, your support means everything and if you have mental problems of any kind and you have a support system cause the people you know suck and are not willing to help, well, I'm here.

The Ungrateful

So here I am sitting and waiting. Worried and angry. Let me start from the beginning. A few weeks ago, right around the time my dad got sick, a friend of mine showed up on my doorstep unexpectedly. I just came home and there he was, homeless once again and needing somewhere to stay. Well, it just so happened I was in desperate need of some help. I needed help keeping up with the house and someone to take dad for treatment in case of bad weather or me being to sick to drive. So I struck a deal with him. You can stay with me if you work for me. Now I must note here that the guy has never held a job longer than a few months and jumps from one bad long term relationship to another. And so he agreed. It didnt take long for me to realize that he has a true addiction to the internet. And it also didnt take long to realize what he was doing on there. Now I also have to state that there were rules set up as part of the deal. He would be home on the nights where my husband had to work the next day so that I didnt have to drag all the kids out to take him to work. He would be home no later than 10pm and if he wasnt comming home he would call before that time and let me know. I am a worry wart. I think of all the worste possible things that could go wrong. He walks everywhere. So I am terrified that he is gonna get run over and I am never gonna know what happened. Hes gonna lie bleeding to death in a ditch somewhere. You get the picture. Well Wednesday he decided he was going to meet this chic he had just met online and spent the week end with her. Its not the first time this has happened since hes been staying here. But he said he would be back by thursday night. Well thursday evening he called to let me know it was raining and he would not be back. I have not heard from him since. I have always been there for him. Always stuck by him even when his family deserted him. He knows how much I worry and at the moment how much I depend on his help. For 8 weeks now I have made sure he had food, a roof over his head, clean clothes and provided internet use. Now he has just went off with some slut hes met online that will soon tire of the fact that he is truely a bum and Ill be left to decided if I want to let him come back or severe ties for good. He only cares about himself. Its always been that way. Hes selfish and self centered. He has no manners and no sense of duty. But I love him. Ive known him my whole life. He is litterally like a brother to me. But Im angry and hurt and really want to hurt him. So what do I do when he finally shows? Opinions anyone?

My children and me

I have four children. Each of them have their own personalities and special qualities. I watch them growing, day by day, changing. I look at my oldest and see so much of myself. She's emotional and hot tempered. But she's also so caring and considerate of others. People say she looks just like me and I think she acts like me ( the way I do now, not the way i was as a child.) We butt heads alot because of this. I worry because I'm afraid I'm already seeing signs of bipolar in her. I don't want her to be like me. I want her to be normal. To be happy and sane and never have to worry about ending up in the pysch ward. My second child, also a girl, is talkative and headstrong. She's full of energy and always on the go. She has ADHD which can be a challange. But she too is caring and loving and very bright. My son was an unexpected suprise, but a great one, though I didnt feel that way in the beginning. My husband and I had just bought a house and I was working as a maid at a hotel. My second child was 5 days shy of her 2 birthday when I found out. It was just not the right time. When I confirmed my suspitions with a pregnancy test, I cried. Not tears of joy as I had with my first, but of fear. Then came the shock of him being a he. I never thought I'd have a boy. That brought more fears as the men in my family are violent and abusive and often have drug and alchohol addictions. But it didnt take me long to get excited about the pregnancy or come to terms with the thought of having a boy. My husband was to thank for alot of that. He was excited from the moment he found out and was even more so when he found out he was going to have a son. And he convinced me that my genetics would have less to do with how my son turned out than how we raised him. He truely believes that if we don't raise him in violence, he will not abuse his potiental wife and children. I have alot of guilt for those early feelings now because I couldnt imagine life without my son. He's sweet and loving and adorable. I still worry that he may be like the men in my family, but alot less now. Then came my youngest child. She was born four weeks and a day early. From about 20 weeks they started telling me she was growing to small. Started sending me to specialist. I dont think anyone thought she would make it long enough to be able to survive outside the womb. But she spend six days in the NICU mostly for monitoring. She never needed oxygen or a feeding tube. Just needed to be kept warm cause she was so small, then she had jaundice, which she came home with. Now she is just over a year old and just started walking good over the last week. All of my children are a blessing to me. But i worry. I worry that I am not good enough. I worry that my mental issues will carry over to them. Sometimes I think they would be best off if I just left. If they had just their dad to raise them. I love them so much. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. A good one. You know, super mom, Mrs Brady. Up at 5 in the morning to cook a hot breakfast before school, perfectly clean kids and house at all times, and dinners that look like they came from the cooking channel. Junk food only on special occasions and healthy snacks everyday after school. This is not my reality. Or theirs. The truth is, they eat breakfast at school, I try to limit their sugar intake and make sure they get veggies with every meal. Or at least most of them. But Im still not the mother I want to be. Im still not sure that my kids wont turn out damaged from their mentally ill mother. So the question remains, would they be better off without me? Or is my presents, even through my mood shifts and off ways of thinking, still what they need? I guess only time will tell.

Testing One...Two....Three

Is any body out there? Sometimes it seems that I am sitting in the middle of a crowded room, screaming my head off and no one even looks up. It feels like that alot lately. I have become so adepted at hiding my emotions, that most of the time I have no clue what I am really feeling. The only emotion that really shows through is anger. And alot of it. I feel so much rage sometimes I think I may burst into tiny peices and scatter. and speaking of scattering, my thoughts like to run ninety to nothing and in circles. Sometimes they move so fast I can't finish one subject before I am speaking for another and with in a few minutes, I have no clue where I started.
Things have been rough lately. In Febuary, I took my dad to the hospital. He had been acting kinda off hand and his speach had been mixed up. Then the headaches started. Finally they got so bad that after three days of immense pain, I talked him into getting checked out. He was sent straight from our local hospital to Erlanger where we were informed he had a mass in his left frontal lobe along with swelling on his brain. He stayed for three nights, came home for a little more than 24 hours, then went back in for surgery to remove the mass. That "mass" turned out to be a rare and aggressive form of brain cancer know as Gliosarcoma. So from there we started radiation 5 days a week for 6 weeks aproximately 60 miles from where we live. He also took chemo pills at home. We have just completed the first round of treatment and now we wait. wait for the tumor to return, wait for them to tell us treatment will no longer help. Wait for what will most certainly come with in the next 12 to 18 months. The 2 year survival rate is 9 percent. The five year 2 percent. But I don't want to think about it. For as bad as things was growing up, I love my dad. He is not the same man to day as he was all those years ago. I want my children to remember him well. I have four children. One just turned 1 one is about to turn 7 one just turned 4 and one is 10. I want him to live long enough they will all remember him and how much he adores them. And I dont want to lose him. So, we skirt around whats to come and we consider the possibity that he may be that 2 percent still alive five years from now. But thats enough of that. Tune in next time for another addition of Life In My World.

Welcome to my world...please enjoy your stay

Life is like a story, one that goes on and on. And for your own story, you never really get to see how it ends. Hello, my name is Jennifairy, and I am Bipolar. I have generalized anxiety disorder, DID, Major Chronic Depreesion with reocccuring pychosis, and at various times, also been diagnosed also with Borderline Personaliy disorder and anorexia. I also suffer from migraines and fibromyagia. This blog is a way to reach out to others with similar situations and for their friends and family too. Mostly I will be talking about my experiences and situations. I hope someone can come away with something from this and I can come away with a better understanding of myself and those around me.