Lost Trust and Other Rambling

So here's the thing, back in the 2003 I started school. I was training to be a EMT. I was also working for the first time in therapy. I mean really working. I have been in and out of therapy since I was five, but this was the first time I ever really worked with it. So anyway, a week after I start school I get viral meningitis. I was falling into a deep depression. My husband did not seem to notice. I honestly thought that he just didn't care anymore. He didn't seem to care that I was falling apart. I was alone. Enter J, my awesome classmate who always seemed to notice when I was down. He would ask me what was wrong and really want to know. When I would tell him "nothing", he would always say to me, "You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but don't lie to me. I can tell when something is wrong with you. I would usually reply with something about having alot on my mind, but eventually I began to open up to him. He made it clear early on that he really cared about me and I made it clear that I was married and I loved my husband. But I really cared for him. He was giving me everything that my husband didn't. And he never tried to push me into anything sexual. I felt like pushing me for sex was the ONLY attention I got from my husband. Then J got kicked out of class and I knew I was about to lose him forever. I needed him. I needed the emotional support that he provided and I knew the only way to keep him was to give him what all guys wanted. Then in January of 2004, my daughter got taken by dfacs. Not because she was being abused, or neglected but because my therapist broke confidentiality. When she found out I had grown up with an alcoholic father and that the same father was now my daughter's care giver when C and I were at school or work. But my father had given up drinking completely when I had my daughter. I told him if he wanted to be a part of his granddaughters life he would have to give up drinking. And he quit. Cold Turkey. But all they saw was what he use to be. Anyway, this is when I had my first mental breakdown and was put in the psych ward. When I came out, I was worse off than when i went in. I was having mixed episodes. I was both manic and depressed at the same time and my moods were all over the place all the time. I thought I was invincible. I was always doing crazy and dangerous things. I told C I didn't care if he slept with my "friends" as long as I didn't have to do it. He started having sex with them, and I started messing around. Our marriage was essentially for show so that we could keep our daughter after we got her back. I still loved him, but I was so angry with him and I hated him for never being there for me and for actually sleeping with other women ( sometimes with me trying to sleep in the same room). And then during this time I also got my self into some bad situations where I was forced/pushed/coerced into sex I didn't want. during those few months I added 4 more partners to my list. I had only had sex twice before I met C. Two different guys, so C was the third guy I was with. I don't remember alot of what I did. I only get flashes of it every now and then and I remember. And then I forget most of it again. Anyway, fast forward ten years. Recently we have began to hand out with an old female friend and her relatively new husband. M and JB are cool to hand with. M has kids our kids age. Me and JB have alot in common and we have fun hanging out and talking. Suddenly C thinks me and JB have something going on. First, I have not done anything wrong since that time ten years ago. Second, I love my husband and would like to keep my marriage together. We have both done wrong. I thought we were past it. Apparently not. And third, JB is my FRIENDS husband!!! Even at my sickest, I would never have hurt my friend like that. SO now here I am wondering if I can go the rest of my life being treated like a whore anytime I get close to another male. I am afraid to even look at this guy now because I am afraid C will misinterpret it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I am suppose to show C that I have no interest in hurting him. I hate what I did to him. I will never get past the guilt. I literally get sick to my stomach when I think about it. Sometimes I get flashbacks to it. I feel so low. But he shouldn't forget that he hurt me too. That the reason I cheated the first time was because I needed to feel a void that shouldn't of been there. Wouldn't of been there if he could of just showed me he loved. I am still the one at fault because i made that decision. I shouldn't have. And then when I lost my mind, I honestly had little to no control of my actions. I am still responsible for them, but I was literally someone else. He has no reason except that he wanted to hurt me. And he done a good job of it. But he don't see that now. All he can see is that I hurt him. So what do I do? Do I really try to hang on to someone who may never trust me again? Do I cut myself off from everyone? I don't get close to many people. I don't let many people in and when I do, I don't want it to matter if that person is male or female. I need someone I can be open with and unload on and talk to. I need that. I don;t know what to do. I love C. We have been married for more than 13 years. I want to see 30. But I need him to love me. Be there for me. And let me be me. I hate sex, yet I give myself to him as often as I can. I certainly don't want to have someone else to please. So my readers who don't exist, what would you do? How should I handle this? How can we move on from mistakes that were make nearly 10 years ago. Is it even possible?