My children and me

I have four children. Each of them have their own personalities and special qualities. I watch them growing, day by day, changing. I look at my oldest and see so much of myself. She's emotional and hot tempered. But she's also so caring and considerate of others. People say she looks just like me and I think she acts like me ( the way I do now, not the way i was as a child.) We butt heads alot because of this. I worry because I'm afraid I'm already seeing signs of bipolar in her. I don't want her to be like me. I want her to be normal. To be happy and sane and never have to worry about ending up in the pysch ward. My second child, also a girl, is talkative and headstrong. She's full of energy and always on the go. She has ADHD which can be a challange. But she too is caring and loving and very bright. My son was an unexpected suprise, but a great one, though I didnt feel that way in the beginning. My husband and I had just bought a house and I was working as a maid at a hotel. My second child was 5 days shy of her 2 birthday when I found out. It was just not the right time. When I confirmed my suspitions with a pregnancy test, I cried. Not tears of joy as I had with my first, but of fear. Then came the shock of him being a he. I never thought I'd have a boy. That brought more fears as the men in my family are violent and abusive and often have drug and alchohol addictions. But it didnt take me long to get excited about the pregnancy or come to terms with the thought of having a boy. My husband was to thank for alot of that. He was excited from the moment he found out and was even more so when he found out he was going to have a son. And he convinced me that my genetics would have less to do with how my son turned out than how we raised him. He truely believes that if we don't raise him in violence, he will not abuse his potiental wife and children. I have alot of guilt for those early feelings now because I couldnt imagine life without my son. He's sweet and loving and adorable. I still worry that he may be like the men in my family, but alot less now. Then came my youngest child. She was born four weeks and a day early. From about 20 weeks they started telling me she was growing to small. Started sending me to specialist. I dont think anyone thought she would make it long enough to be able to survive outside the womb. But she spend six days in the NICU mostly for monitoring. She never needed oxygen or a feeding tube. Just needed to be kept warm cause she was so small, then she had jaundice, which she came home with. Now she is just over a year old and just started walking good over the last week. All of my children are a blessing to me. But i worry. I worry that I am not good enough. I worry that my mental issues will carry over to them. Sometimes I think they would be best off if I just left. If they had just their dad to raise them. I love them so much. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. A good one. You know, super mom, Mrs Brady. Up at 5 in the morning to cook a hot breakfast before school, perfectly clean kids and house at all times, and dinners that look like they came from the cooking channel. Junk food only on special occasions and healthy snacks everyday after school. This is not my reality. Or theirs. The truth is, they eat breakfast at school, I try to limit their sugar intake and make sure they get veggies with every meal. Or at least most of them. But Im still not the mother I want to be. Im still not sure that my kids wont turn out damaged from their mentally ill mother. So the question remains, would they be better off without me? Or is my presents, even through my mood shifts and off ways of thinking, still what they need? I guess only time will tell.